Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you'd think would mean problems in your love life but actually indicates imminent botulism. Interesting, isn't it?
• Taurus Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources this week, even if she was in labor with you for 38 hours.
• Gemini Change will come to your neighborhood when you piss off an air traffic controller who knows your home address on the same day his ex boards a 747 to Maui.
• Cancer You've never been the sort of person who lets all kinds of supposed "signs" tell you how you should drive your car.
• Leo You're starting to think that maybe the funny nose and glasses won't actually be enough to hide you when Jesus returns in all his glory.
• Virgo Sometimes it feels as if your life's long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren't very many left.
• Libra Although the doctors want to do all they can to help ease your recovery, they cannot legally allow you to make a cool chair out of your severed limbs.
• Scorpio Scorpio is a water sign, with all that implies, but this week it will be much more important for you to pay attention to fire-exit signs.
• Sagittarius You'll continue to be baffled by people who expect you to be their friend and call them just because you have previously said the words "we're friends" and "I'll call you."
• Capricorn Love magick is strong in Taurus this week, leading those lucky enough to be born under that sign far, far away from you.
• Aquarius Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say "I'm afraid I've always had a rather…sharp tongue."
• Pisces Your life will soon lose all direction, which, considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief.