Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages.
• Taurus This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no one will miss a few pens.
• Gemini Since it hates its job barfing out your future, Gemini is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get drunk with the other disgruntled constellations.
• Cancer Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case, you're not winning the lottery this week.
• Leo You'll slowly become the person you hate—the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid.
• Virgo You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped around a thrown brick.
• Libra You will soon open your Twelfth House of Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a Second House of Employment.
• Scorpio If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and- turkey-baster kind of guy.
• Sagittarius Romance will finally come to you, get annoyed when you won't shut up about yourself, and be completely turned off when you ask, "Where's the party at?"
• Capricorn The men in lab coats will make another silent midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in bedbugs.
• Aquarius Doors will swing open for you in a way they haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college.
• Pisces Oh, man, next week is going to be really something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of knowing what's about to happen.