Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a cynical compromise based on a fear of dying alone.
• Taurus You'll become the sworn enemy of men's magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullitt wasn't that great of a movie.
• Gemini You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a terrific wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
• Cancer This week will send you plunging into a pit of depression at the realization that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.
• Leo Raise your voice in anger and rail against the gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.
• Virgo Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.
• Libra "In The Hall Of The Mountain King" is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
• Scorpio You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.
• Sagittarius You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.
• Capricorn Stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
• Aquarius They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that 10 bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.
• Pisces Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't think anyone saw you take it.