Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.
• Taurus Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, the stars confirm that you are correct and it is pretty much as bad as possible.
• Gemini The clown car may be an overworked reference, but the doctors can think of no better way to describe the constant stream of clowns issuing from your abdominal cavity.
• Cancer Ultimately there will be nothing your friends can do for you, putting you in the position of having to find more competent friends.
• Leo The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to rollerskate around naked except for the gas mask.
• Virgo Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot.
• Libra You're through giving advice to people, to the vast relief of the park rangers tasked with pulling their charred husks out of the volcanoes.
• Scorpio You'll lose both legs in a railroad accident next month, but luckily they'll only be prosthetic replacements for the ones you'll lose at the zoo this Thursday.
• Sagittarius No one will be able to figure out your enigmatic last words, and the fact that you'll live in silence for three more years after uttering them makes that somehow cooler.
• Capricorn After becoming a routine victim of bedbugs, you'll make history as the world's first victim of chair-, wall-, and all-over-the-catbugs.
• Aquarius It comes down to whether or not you can play an instrument or drive stick, but no, you won't get the girl this time, either.
• Pisces You've always said that if you were king, you'd make college free, but there won't be time between your coronation, the palace coup, and the beheading.