Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries A neighbor will approach you under the guise of borrowing a cup of sugar. Provide him or her with sugar, but be prepared for more to be revealed in the fullness of time.
• Taurus You will get a haircut this week. However, when people ask if you got a haircut, you will enigmatically say, "Yes, I got them all cut."
• Gemini The angels do in fact hear your prayers. In fact, they record them and play them back for fun at their laughter-filled angel parties.
• Cancer You'll finally stumble upon a copy of the secret book of the Jews only to find it bears an uncanny similarity to the first few chapters of the Bible.
• Leo When your life's work is utterly destroyed in the blink of an eye, you will finally learn once and for all to save before the boss fights.
• Virgo It will take considerable amounts of food, water, and oxygen, followed by a long period of sleep, to preserve your life for but a single day, a routine doctors say won't work forever.
• Libra You will have a potentially fatal problem that you at first believe the DJ cannot fix, but as it turns out he can do it in the mix, thereby saving your life.
• Scorpio You'll achieve your life's goal of becoming sex on wheels only to realize what a poor locomotive choice wheels are for someone who wants to have a lot of sex.
• Sagittarius You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
• Capricorn Although most of the jabs at your mother's weight are obvious hyperbole, even you will admit that she has a propensity to sit around the house.
• Aquarius You will be assured that a certain item is made with the same quality and care as certain other items, but you will have reason to believe this is not the case.
• Pisces They've laughed at you for keeping condoms in your wallet "just in case," but never as hard as they will this week.