Good morning Toronto!!!!

I had a dream last night that I came home late at night and found a man in my apartment. I made a noise and began to chase him out. He started running away from me and I tried to shout at him as I ran but I suddenly had no voice. I was trying to say 'I have no voice and he turned around and saw me struggling and stopped and changed direction and came to attack me and I couldn't scream! Then I woke up.

The end.
Thank you! I'll be here all week!!

Laugh of the day

Episode 1: "First Time On Internet" @ Yahoo! Video

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Venus is in retrograde in your sign this week, which you'd think would mean problems in your love life but actually indicates imminent botulism. Interesting, isn't it?
• Taurus Avoid making decisions based on ambiguous advice from questionable sources this week, even if she was in labor with you for 38 hours.
• Gemini Change will come to your neighborhood when you piss off an air traffic controller who knows your home address on the same day his ex boards a 747 to Maui.
• Cancer You've never been the sort of person who lets all kinds of supposed "signs" tell you how you should drive your car.
• Leo You're starting to think that maybe the funny nose and glasses won't actually be enough to hide you when Jesus returns in all his glory.
• Virgo Sometimes it feels as if your life's long, empty hours are all beginning to blur together, but take heart. There really aren't very many left.
• Libra Although the doctors want to do all they can to help ease your recovery, they cannot legally allow you to make a cool chair out of your severed limbs.
• Scorpio Scorpio is a water sign, with all that implies, but this week it will be much more important for you to pay attention to fire-exit signs.
• Sagittarius You'll continue to be baffled by people who expect you to be their friend and call them just because you have previously said the words "we're friends" and "I'll call you."
• Capricorn Love magick is strong in Taurus this week, leading those lucky enough to be born under that sign far, far away from you.
• Aquarius Your death will be painful, but it will give a notorious femme fatale a chance to say "I'm afraid I've always had a rather…sharp tongue."
• Pisces Your life will soon lose all direction, which, considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief.

The bike days are over

I've been riding my bike almost every day since Spring began. The other day I went to meet my friend for a beer and when I emerged, a wee tipsy, the streets were wet and so was my bike seat. By the time I got home I had a lovely wet stripe starting from my buttocks and continuing right up my back --  and a damp crotch. I was not amused. Yesterday, I rode to the gym and when I came out it had started raining. I thought 'oh, i'd better hurry home in case it REALLY starts raining' which of course it did, half way home. With every pedal I was getting wetter and wetter (and not in a good way) -- I was soaked. Rain was falling off my helmet into my eyes -- I can't see! I can't see! My jeans had changed colour completely, my hands slipping each time I braked. I passed by these two women hovering under a tree waiting for the rain to let up, they looked at me with this sympathetic look which I returned and then splashed away. Nighty night bike. See ya in Spring.

Soundtrack for apartment hunting

I am moving to a new apartment November 1st. My landlord has been showing my current apartment in the last few weeks. The other day he showed up with a woman who was interested in the place. The doorbell rang and I went to answer it, leaving my stereo playing random songs behind me. As I opened the door, Peaches 'fuck the pain away' started playing and before I had a chance to change it... 'sucking on my tities like you wanted me, calling me...' came throbbing through the speakers. I blushed and coughed and cleared my throat trying to drown out her moans. The girl smiled as I went over and pressed skip. She is taking the apartment.
 

Little Red Fiat....baby you're much too fast

Well my faithful readers, as you know I can be a bit of a spaz (for lack of a better word) -- Anxiety attacks, over-sensitivity, extreme hypochondria...you get the picture. So, I have come up with a safe image (like a safe word, i use this visual to calm myself down in times of trouble). It's more a safe moving image really, a movie that I put myself in. It's me driving a little red Fiat through the countryside (usually), the top down and my hair flowing free. Not a care in the world and looking pretty F'ing cool if I do say so myself.

History Lesson of the day

Great pics of Toronto back in the 70's....if you like this sort of thing...I do! I could do without the 25 second intro...but otherwise it's great!

Quote of the day

Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day.

The age of content

Lately I've been obsessed with aging. And when I say lately, I mean the last 10 years.  I have been thinking about it more though recently.  I'm not sure if that's because I just had a birthday or because of too many 'tag-alongs' to the botox man with my friend, or too many mirrors in my house, or more likely having really young friends and part-time lovers. Whatever the reason, I think about it often. When I see a celebrity on television or in a magazine that I say to myself 'hmmm, she looks good',  I google her to see how old she is. Cate Blanchet, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Aniston, Naomi Watts, Heather Graham, Uma Thurman, Jennifer Connolly, Gwen Stefani, Rachel Weisz....whew, all older than I am. For some reason, that makes me feel better.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages.
• Taurus This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no one will miss a few pens.
• Gemini Since it hates its job barfing out your future, Gemini is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get drunk with the other disgruntled constellations.
• Cancer Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case, you're not winning the lottery this week.
• Leo You'll slowly become the person you hate—the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid.
• Virgo You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped around a thrown brick.
• Libra You will soon open your Twelfth House of Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a Second House of Employment.
• Scorpio If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and- turkey-baster kind of guy.
• Sagittarius Romance will finally come to you, get annoyed when you won't shut up about yourself, and be completely turned off when you ask, "Where's the party at?"
• Capricorn The men in lab coats will make another silent midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in bedbugs.
• Aquarius Doors will swing open for you in a way they haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college.
• Pisces Oh, man, next week is going to be really something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of knowing what's about to happen.

Sometimes there IS something wrong, mkay!

Yesterday, I woke up anxious, I hadn't slept well but didn't know why I would be anxious. I thought maybe it was a full moon or something. I asked my friends on msn: 'do you feel weird today?' 'is there something in the stars?' As the minutes went by, I started feeling worse and worse. Soon there was chest pain and then my left arm started to go numb....my jaw was tense and of course I got more and more anxious about these symptoms and more and more anxious about being anxious. After much googling of said symptoms, I texted my nurse friend who told me that she couldn't diagnose me via text so I ran around the corner to my doctor (yes, I live around the corner from my doctor) and told them I might be having a heart attack  --  well, they saw me right away (tip for never waiting -- although I do not condone lying). As soon as I entered the office, the tears began to flow, I was embarrassed but I couldn't control them! So dramatic! The nurse took my vitals (everything was fine) and then gave me an ECG (Elektrokardiogramm) making me feel like Frankenstein lying on the table -- all these wires attached to my bare legs and chest about to become alive -- Alive -- ALIVE! I knew I was feeling better when it occurred to me that I should have worn a nicer bra and perhaps put on deodorant but in my panicked state, these things did not seem important. The ECG showed everything was fine. It seems I had just another garden variety, anxiety attack, my little ticker was A-Ok. So on the way home I stopped at the liquor store and bought myself a nice bottle of red, went home, poured a large glass and celebrated, well, me. To my good health! Cin cin!

Deep thoughts by Jenny Watson

You know when you are reading and suddenly you realize you have read a paragraph or sometimes an entire page without really reading it? Your mind was somewhere else completely. Thinking about someone, or something. Reliving some moment. You go deep into that other thought until....whoa, some word snaps you back into reality and you stop and say to yourself 'wow, I can't believe I just read that entire thing without reading it! ok, focus!' and you go back to the beginning and start again. Yah well, I'm sure there is some metaphor in this my dear blogger-follower. You figure it out. I have faith in you. :)

Laugh of the day

Bicycles and Gay Porn

I rode my bicycle today to the gym. I took my usual route, along Gerrard to Bay, up Bay past College to the YMCA. But today something was different. I had flashes of penis in my head. Why do I keep seeing penis? Wait, I'm running over something...oh, it's pages...from a magazine. Where are these coming from? It's literally raining men -- naked spread eagle men. Where's my umbrella?

Reading takes time

I'm reading Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. It's a great book. It's a big book. I got it from the library. It's due on September 22nd. Today is September 19th. I have almost 200 pages left to read. I hate library fines. I will not have library fines! Oh jesus, what am I doing talking to you when I should obviously be trying to finish this bloody book on time!

Laugh of the day

Art makes life and life makes art or something like that...

I went to a movie last night at TIFF. When it was over, I said my goodbyes to my friends after discussing it a bit and wandered home in that post-great-movie-haze. I had forgotten that feeling. It's been awhile since I went to the theatre to see a movie, well other than Despicable Me, which although I thoroughly enjoyed, it did not profoundly affect me and put me in my post-great-movie-haze. It was also light out and summer and last night it was dark and coolish -- that somehow made the feeling more poetic, more powerful. The haze really isn't only related to film though. I remember being in a similar haze after leaving a concert, walking home, finding everything much more beautiful than it was before. A building you have walked by 100 times and barely noticed is now one of the most beautiful things you have ever seen. It's a little like being high -- my senses heightened, feeling so much more alive! I don't know if everyone feels this way? The feeling that makes you want to laugh and cry and kiss and touch and love and talk and dance and eat and drink and just live, but not the living that involves working at some job you hate. Not the living that involves you worrying about money, or fighting with your partner, or not loving your partner, or more horrific circumstances of abuse or violence. Maybe this kind of living is only possible in the movies? ...I'll keep you posted.

Being sick is lame (you can quote me on this)

So, I've been sick for almost a week. Today I am feeling a lot better, so I bundled up to go buy some much needed groceries. As I walked down the street it was odd to see people, cause I haven't seen them in so long, only on Television. I forgot what real people looked like. They really are not as attractive as on TV. Shame.

Laugh of the day with Kat Von D

Interactive Lower Back Tattoos from Kat Von D

thx FB I totes ♥ u!

I have a short memory. Getting shorter as I get older and perhaps shorter due to technological advances. Texting and tweeting and facebooking...so much information to absorb in such small periods of time! When I am on Facebook I get a glimpse of one of my many facebook friends via news feed, or on the left of my profile where my 'friends' sit. Or perhaps Facebook wants to remind me of this person by putting something on the right of my news feed telling me to reach out and message this person, write on their wall perhaps. Or maybe it's their birthday and their name just sits there begging me to click on it and write warm, heartfelt wishes. I sometimes say 'oh, that person! I forgot about them, where have they been hiding' or I see an old crush of mine, or someone I hooked up with or maybe shared a beer or two in the past and think 'hmmm, what are they up to now' or  'wow, they are still kinda hot, maybe I should comment on their status'. What is my point you ask? Well a visual goes a long way. Without that reminder I probably wouldn't think of many of these people, wouldn't remember their names, or moments we shared as clearly without this visual reminder. So, as much as I am critical of Facebook for taking away those human moments, in this regard, Facebook wins...as long as we take the hint and do something about it.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries A neighbor will approach you under the guise of borrowing a cup of sugar. Provide him or her with sugar, but be prepared for more to be revealed in the fullness of time.
• Taurus You will get a haircut this week. However, when people ask if you got a haircut, you will enigmatically say, "Yes, I got them all cut."
• Gemini The angels do in fact hear your prayers. In fact, they record them and play them back for fun at their laughter-filled angel parties.
• Cancer You'll finally stumble upon a copy of the secret book of the Jews only to find it bears an uncanny similarity to the first few chapters of the Bible.
• Leo When your life's work is utterly destroyed in the blink of an eye, you will finally learn once and for all to save before the boss fights.
• Virgo It will take considerable amounts of food, water, and oxygen, followed by a long period of sleep, to preserve your life for but a single day, a routine doctors say won't work forever.
• Libra You will have a potentially fatal problem that you at first believe the DJ cannot fix, but as it turns out he can do it in the mix, thereby saving your life.
• Scorpio You'll achieve your life's goal of becoming sex on wheels only to realize what a poor locomotive choice wheels are for someone who wants to have a lot of sex.
• Sagittarius You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
• Capricorn Although most of the jabs at your mother's weight are obvious hyperbole, even you will admit that she has a propensity to sit around the house.
• Aquarius You will be assured that a certain item is made with the same quality and care as certain other items, but you will have reason to believe this is not the case.
• Pisces They've laughed at you for keeping condoms in your wallet "just in case," but never as hard as they will this week.

And they call it puppy love

I'm thinking of getting a dog. I have wanted one forever, but I have always been too scared. Scared that I would fail in being able to discipline him, scared I wouldn't be a good parent. But I think I would like a cute little cuddly thing running around here. Something that is excited to see me when I come home, something to love. I want a Schnoodle and I want to name him Schnoodle. Is that weird? You know I would end up calling him that anyway.

Laugh of the day? Or not?

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be funny or not. Or maybe I just find everything funny cause of this sickness. Whatever the case, thought I would share with you.

Quote of the day

I was listening to an interview with actor, Marion Cotillard speaking about her new film, Little White Lies, playing at TIFF. And one thing she said really stood out to me. I've never heard this put so succinctly and beautifully. Just another reason to love Ms. Cotillard.

To be honest with yourself is one thing, but to be honest with others about yourself is something that will lead you into freedom and bliss.

Laugh of the day

My future is wide open

I feel so vulnerable today. So open. So, so sick. I sit here sweating and sniffling, writing this post out of obligation to you, faithful reader. You can share in my suffering. This cold is kicking my ass! I have things to do! I just drugged myself up and rode my bicycle out west -- far west, Bloor west -- to see an apartment. I had gone once already but I needed to go back to measure things to make sure my stuff would fit. You see, it's a lot smaller than my place now and it's empty. Like, completely empty. There is no kitchen in yet. Just open space. It's so difficult to tell if your stuff can fit in an empty space! When you go to see an apartment and stuff is in there you can say 'oh, ok, well I have a queen bed too so it will fit there like this one' or 'oh ok, my couch could go there too'. But when it's a wide open space it seems SO small. I was surprised to come home and measure my couch and entertainment unit and find they would fit in no problem! With room to spare! So...I guess I'll be moving on up...to the Westside, to a DE-luxe apartment...in the Junction. But first things first, get rid of this cold.

Must check out

Download Google Crome first and try this. Since I'm under the weather today, I will pretty much be doing this all day -- visiting addresses I have once known. There is a sadness to it though, a powerful beauty sort of sadness. Or that's the med's talking. Either or.
The Wilderness Downtown

Men are from Mars and Women....maybe somewhere tropical?

My neighbours used to be these two women. One was a substantially sized woman, the other very thin. They were responsible for controlling the heat and the A/C in my apartment. Sometimes I found it a little warm in Winter, but we were pretty compatible otherwise. They moved out this month and two fit, attractive 20-something men moved in. I say attractive cause, they really are attractive, it's a bit unsettling how attractive I find them....but I digress. So, since they have moved in, they have turned up the A/C so much that I have been wearing sweaters, jeans and socks and still been cold. I have told them about this and they did adjust but not enough. So, I closed all my vents (a laborious and hazardous task) but some air still seeps through. I still found it cold! So, yesterday I went over to talk to them and one of the men answered wearing shorts and no shirt. Great. So here I am in my jeans, sweater and socks saying I'm cold and here is this man, in shorts only, saying he was sweating (yah, unsettling in many ways -- you have to see these guys...but off track again). So my question is are men just naturally warmer than women? Am I doomed to be cold in summer AND cold in winter? Do I need to plump up?

Quote of the day

The heart has reasons that reason does not know - Blaise Pascal 

I'm an adult now

A couple of friends took me out for dinner last night to celebrate my birthday. When we got to the restaurant, one of them ordered a dirty vodka martini and I thought, I'm going to try one of those. I mean why not? It's my birthday, I'm almost 40 and I'm not buying, so what is there to lose. Life is short! Wow, I don't know how to describe how I feel about a dirty vodka martini. Love? no, that is not descriptive enough. Lust? Closer, but still not there. It's like a combination of a hug from my Mediterranean mother, being cozy in my robe and slippers and a heated make-out with some hottie you will never see again and who probably gives you a hickey...on your neck....in the summer. Urg. I want you so, dirty vodka martini. My mother would be really proud, I'm finally her at my age, i mean her age when she was my age...oh you know what  I mean!

More thoughts on Facebook

Sometimes I can't think of anything clever to write after someone's comment on my status or photo or what have you.  I can always click 'i like' but what's the proper etiquette? I don't want to make people feel bad by not commenting at all. I know how that feels when you make a comment on something, maybe you think it's funny or sweet or whatever. But you get nothing back. It feels mean. I mean, isn't this what sites like Facebook and twitter are for? To start a conversation? Why are people so cold? I know the answer of course, everyone does. They don't want to look stupid or they want to seem busy even though they wear their blackberry like a glove. They want to seem 'cool'. It's all insecurity. I get it. You can feel vulnerable when you 'put yourself out there'. But it's always worth it. Especially when you have as much to say as I do and especially when the things I have to say are usually hilarious. So, feedback or not, 'like this' or not, I'm not going to stop giving my opinion on, well, everything!

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a cynical compromise based on a fear of dying alone.
• Taurus You'll become the sworn enemy of men's magazine readers nationwide when you publicly state that Bullitt wasn't that great of a movie.
• Gemini You'll stumble onto a great little trattoria with excellent food and a terrific wine list, but what you'll really need is a well-equipped burn ward.
• Cancer This week will send you plunging into a pit of depression at the realization that Stevie Wonder will probably not live forever.
• Leo Raise your voice in anger and rail against the gods all you want, but they only have it in blue and not in your size.
• Virgo Your love life will hum along like a well-oiled machine, thanks largely to a new formulation of oil and a clever little Swedish machine.
• Libra "In The Hall Of The Mountain King" is a strange choice for a first dance between husband and wife, but the walrus trainer insists.
• Scorpio You've never been the type to believe in love at first sight, or anything else even slightly romantic, for that matter.
• Sagittarius You'll start to wonder if people aren't getting a little too political after you're blasted in the media for being soft on education and the economy.
• Capricorn Stop worrying about what people think of you, especially since it's so complicated you probably wouldn't be able to understand it.
• Aquarius They say a fool and his money are soon parted, but you still have that 10 bucks you found on the sidewalk the other day.
• Pisces Your ex will finally stop by to get all his stuff, which is weird because you didn't think anyone saw you take it.

More thoughts on Facebook - Birthday edition

So, today is my birthday. As I'm sure most of you are aware. When I woke up this morning, I had so many Facebook Notifications! OMG, I am SO popular! Thank you Facebook! I totes heart you!

I love how Facebook now consolidates the notifications into one, it is so helpful! So, it will now say: John Smith and 49 other friends have wrote on your wall for your birthday. This is great! Now I don't have to count...to see exactly HOW popular I really am! Whew! What a time saver! Thank you Facebook. Although, that is exactly 10% of my FB friends....but then again, it's only 11am. I'll be patient. And don't even get me started on the fact you can now comment directly under one of these wall posts or simply hit 'i like this'. Again, thank you Facebook for saving more and more of our precious time. Hmmm....now what should I do?

Quote of the day

We turn not older with years, but newer every day. - Emily Dickinson

Happy Birthday

I received an envelope in the mail last week for my birthday. This was from my parents. Inside there was a card that was inscribed with 'For our wonderful daughter: you've brought so much joy into our lives' and a handwritten note: 'go buy some new pots and pans, try Sears or The Bay' and a generous cheque to do so. There was also an article from the Globe and Mail torn out. I quickly unraveled it to see what it might be, thinking what would make them think of me, to tear out an article and send it off with my birthday present? Maybe something about film or design? Or perhaps something that is going on in Toronto -- maybe an exhibit at the AGO? ... It was an article about successful job searching. Thanks Mom and Dad!

Laugh of the day

Airport things and stuff

My BFF flew in last night from Scotland and I went to meet him at the airport. He was just here overnight as he had a connecting flight to Charlotte, NC, the next morning, where he will be an Artist In Residence for the next 3 months. I was as excited as an abandoned Military wife waiting for him to walk through those doors!

He arrived and we checked into the hotel and walked out to get something to eat. The first place we saw was Alice's Restaurant and Bar -- perfect! We were hungry! We had 3 Heineken's and a hamburger with fries each. The bill was 41 dollars. It was the best hamburger I've ever had in my life. We told the bartender this and I guess she went and told the cook cause he came over and said so. He asked us what we do and when Anthony told him he was an artist, the cook, named Bill, told us he was an aspiring artist with a love of photographing architecture. He was so wonderful. But we couldn't help but wonder, what if he had followed his dream of being a photographer? But we also knew that having a family to support and a family business to run can be great at stopping those dreams in their tracks. Meeting him just reaffirmed my love of people and how there is beauty in the least likely of places, so be aware! Earlier on the shuttle to the airport hotel, this surly, young couple sitting in front of us made me feel this way too, but on the opposite spectrum. You could just tell they were in a loveless marriage, and hated their lives and could barely stand each other. They were miserable...and it showed.

I ended up taking the airporter home this morning, cause, well, I just couldn't deal with a crowded subway and I had the return portion of a ticket left over from when Air Canada couldn't get our bags out of the plane and the delay caused me to miss the last airporter and force me to take a $50 cab...but, I digress. I put on my ipod as soon as a woman got chatty on her cell and when Metric's Eclipse (all yours) came on, it got me thinking of how many times I have taken that airporter nursing a broken heart -- 6...and counting. And, well...how wonderful life is.

Cottage Round-Up

The Corran

View from Spirit Rock

This weekend I went to a lovely Cottage (aka the host's ranch) in Wiarton, Ontario. Yes, where that little groundhog lives! We were going to go see him, but all the drinking seemed to take priority. On our drive in, we passed by interesting things to see including horses, cows and a camel! Yes, a camel! We commented on how out of place he must be, different from all the rest -- for one brief moment, we identified with him and then whoosh, we drove on. We entered (and yes, I use this word purposely and may I also add, firmly) into the town of Flesherton. Flesherton, Gateway to the Beaver Valley. I'm not lying. Enough said. We spent the day garage sale hunting, antique shopping and wow did we find some gems. I absolutely love looking for that one amazing/beautiful/kitchy thing amongst a mountain of crap. I guess it's a challenge of sorts and a very rewarding one at that. I was too chicken to jump in the lake due to it taking a very cold turn, in fact none of the women did, but we watched the boys turn all red from the cold as we drank our coffee or beer or gin or wine or whatever struck our fancy at that particular moment. We hiked up to Spirit Rock, named from a legend involving an Indian Maiden who jumped off the cliff due to the guilt she had for falling in love with an Indian warrior from an enemy tribe. We saw the ruins of the Corran, a seventeen room mansion, destroyed by fire leaving only stone ruins to testify to its past splendor. It reminded me of the Bee Gee's video for Staying Alive where they stood in some sort of house ruins and sang their tune. I, of course tried to emulate them by jumping up into one of the windows...ah ah ah ah staying aliveeeee... but no one seemed to remember the video. Oh well, moving on. We ate well, and certainly drank well, played board games and I made 4 new facebook friends -- and you know how important THAT is! What a fabulous weekend!

Blogging is such sweet sorrow

Well bloggies I was at a cottage for the long weekend so I did not blog. Now I could have set up scheduled posts throughout the weekend to give you things to read/watch, but I figure blogger needs a rest too. After all, it WAS Labour Day weekend and since I'm unemployed, this has pretty much been my full-time job. So, I'm back now, well rested, well fed and well overdosed on booze and laughter. Hope you are all having a safe and wonderful long weekend! xoxo

Laugh of the day

Forehead Tittaes w/ Marion Cotillard from Marion Cotillard

i like this

Ok, another post about facebook. This time it is more inquisitive in nature rather than damning. I think that the 'I like this' function is a conversation killer. When you can think of nothing else: "i like this". When you go back and forth on a post and you get tired of the banter, just click 'i like this' on the last thing your friend said. They will be happy that you read and approved their comment, and you will be happy that you can get on with your life.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your daughter's memory will still haunt your dreams, but it's a welcome change from all the relived failures and sweaty former scoutmasters.
• Taurus Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse, the stars confirm that you are correct and it is pretty much as bad as possible.
• Gemini The clown car may be an overworked reference, but the doctors can think of no better way to describe the constant stream of clowns issuing from your abdominal cavity.
• Cancer Ultimately there will be nothing your friends can do for you, putting you in the position of having to find more competent friends.
• Leo The stars say that this week will be a time of reflective contemplation, so postpone your plans to rollerskate around naked except for the gas mask.
• Virgo Just when all hope is gone, you will find a secret stash of Oreos that actually makes up for quite a lot.
• Libra You're through giving advice to people, to the vast relief of the park rangers tasked with pulling their charred husks out of the volcanoes.
• Scorpio You'll lose both legs in a railroad accident next month, but luckily they'll only be prosthetic replacements for the ones you'll lose at the zoo this Thursday.
• Sagittarius No one will be able to figure out your enigmatic last words, and the fact that you'll live in silence for three more years after uttering them makes that somehow cooler.
• Capricorn After becoming a routine victim of bedbugs, you'll make history as the world's first victim of chair-, wall-, and all-over-the-catbugs.
• Aquarius It comes down to whether or not you can play an instrument or drive stick, but no, you won't get the girl this time, either.
• Pisces You've always said that if you were king, you'd make college free, but there won't be time between your coronation, the palace coup, and the beheading.

Random is so random

I went to the gym today to well, work out. I've recently started using the rowing machine as a change from the elliptical. When I do, my hands are not free to hit skip on my ipod shuffle, unless of course I stop and then change the song. So I settle in my seat, accept my fate and begin to row. The universe will supply the songs I'm supposed to listen to.  It's inevitable that THAT song always comes on. You know the one, the one that makes you cry or laugh or think nostalgically about that something or someone. Often it's a good thing -- sometimes, you can't even bear to listen to it, other times,  you want to feel that feeling -- even if that feeling is painful -- it just makes you feel alive. Or maybe, just maybe, feeling emotions -- even if that emotion is sadness -- is conducive to a great workout? All I can say is yowsa, my arms hurt!

Quote of the day

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. - Woody Allen

All a twitter on twitter

I tweet. I do indeed tweet. Just like mostly everyone of means does. Or everyone that has a lot of time on their hands. Maybe both. But anyway, I tweet. Yesterday, I replied to a post from Canada's most famous author. The response was in regards to a petition that we had both signed in protest of a proposed 'Fox News North' that Harper is championing. Well, ahem, she tweeted me back. And even though I think she meant 'feeding frenzy' -- I guess she doesn't have an twitter editor -- I was aroused.

Tis the season

Well, well, well. Today is September 1st. Today is the day my self-imposed 'time to get serious about what I'm doing with my life' is meant to start. And that is because why? Because September means the coming of Autumn, the time when we all go back to school, time to make important changes...the fun stops here! I don't know what I expected, I think I imagined waking up and opening the window and this fall breeze coming in...brrr..where's my cardigan. I think I magically thought that September 1st, all these new opportunities would present themselves...they were waiting too! -- waiting for fall! -- waiting to bloom -- or die and fall off a tree! Every Fall, I imagine myself cuddly in my home with my currently non-existent lover, maybe both wearing cardigans (and nothing else), both discussing change, both beginning new lives as we breathe in that crisp air. But no, it's 30 degrees outside,  so I guess it will have to wait until after Labour Day. To the beach!

Quote of the day

We take greater pains to persuade others that we are happy than in endeavoring to think so ourselves. - Confucius

Should I apply?

This posting appeared in the 'art/media/design' section of Craigslist's job openings. I somehow don't think I'm qualified.