A Holiday Message from Jenny Watson

Well it's that time of year, that time of year when we eat too much, drink too much, get a bunch of stuff we don't even need, basically over-indulge in every way. So I suppose I should be telling you that the real meaning of Christmas is family and love and giving and not receiving and blah blah blah, but truthfully, I don't care cause I'm too busy getting ready to go to Hawaii tomorrow. Happy Holidays! I love you all, really I do, no really.

Please enjoy this holiday video in my absence. I know you are supposed to use yourself plus 4 of your friends, but hey, I'm self-involved. Who knew I was such a good dancer! Happy Holidays everyone, see you in two weeks!

Women: 1

I went out with my man friend last night and we got on the subject of penises. Specifically micro-penises. We started this discussion from a discussion of hand size and naturally progressed to penises. I said to him that there really is no female equivalent. I mean, sure, female genitalia are all different and some are what I like to refer to as 'outies', some 'innies'. And I guess we all have our preferences but they still do not compare to the differences in penis size. No one hooks up with some woman and then tells their friends 'Man, that woman had a micro-vagina' or alternatively 'That woman's vagina was huge, I wasn't sure how to navigate through it!' But for men, this is a common topic. I guess breast size would be comparable, but then again, breasts do not function in the same way penises do. I think being a man with one of these 'micro-penises' would be very stressful. One more reason it's great to be a lady! Hey, we may be treated as an minority, may not have equality in the workplace, may make less money and have a harder time climbing that corporate ladder, but at least we don't have micro-penises.

And I'm like baby, baby, baby, oh

Lately I've been wanting a baby. Now, you have to understand, I have never ever really wanted a child. I did not grow up imagining that big white wedding, popping out a couple of kids and living in family bliss. I always just pictured me by myself in a huge loft with perhaps a cute dog that did not shed or smell and was quiet most of the time. But now, as I get older, I am relaxing more, I am more calm, more open. I can picture myself with a little one, playing in the park, watching cartoons, dancing while doing chores, playing with toys in the bath, roasting marshmallows on my electric stove (you just hold it really close to the burner and turn slowly). What a great parent I would be! Now to find a baby cause no way one is coming out of me, that just seems annoying.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.
• Taurus Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.
• Gemini They say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
• Cancer You'll come to in a new Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
• Leo Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.
• Virgo The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
• Libra You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
• Scorpio You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
• Sagittarius Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."
• Capricorn This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.
• Aquarius While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.
• Pisces Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.

Laugh of the day

While my right eye gently weeps

I go outside and in about 30 seconds, my right eye begins to weep. Sometimes when I'm out for a long time my face goes numb from the cold and I don't even know it's happening until I suddenly taste something salty. I am constantly wiping my tear stained face as I make my way to wherever I am going. I pass some cutie and we exchange looks, me thinking 'oh hi there', they thinking 'what a drama queen'. I feel like I should be smiling all the time cause I don't want anyone to think that I am upset. I can hear Tyra in my head 'Smize, Smize girl!' But then again I look like a weirdo walking around smiling, tears pouring out of my eyes. So, if you see me, wet face, fake smile, hanging around town, take pity on me and perhaps pass me a tissue.

Laugh of the day

Quote of the day

“It takes a long time to become young.”
— Pablo Picasso

My red nose is covered by a scarf, whew!

I wonder about a lot of things. I'm constantly thinking, looking, wondering. It's just in my nature I guess. Sometimes I rehash things that really don't need rehashing and sometimes I think of something new that takes me somewhere new! The other night, I was walking home from the subway and normally I would be conscious of who is around me, just aware, on guard, not worried or paranoid, just the right amount of fear that I might be raped or killed. But then I realize it's too cold for rape. Is someone really gonna be lurking in the bushes in this weather? I mean, it's too cold to take off my glove to get bus change let alone to unleash a penis. So, I relax a little and enjoy the journey home. I'll revisit this thinking in Spring.

I like this! No really I like this!

I was chatting with my friend on msn. I happened to mention that I like a song that she posted on her Facebook page. I said 'oh, I really like that song you posted'. And then she said 'did you like it'? And I said 'yes, I just said that'. And then she said 'but did you like it, like, on Facebook, like click like this'? 'Oh, I, no, I er I didn't, um, sorry' So I  liked it and now everything is alright in our little world.

Karma? For what, I'm so nice!

I went grocery shopping. I bought the staples: bread, milk, juices, veggies, fruits. And then I bought my favourite snack, Kettle Corn! Every bite is a different taste sensation! Yum! I was excited to munch on it while watching some movies! Before purchasing I made sure that I chose a bag that was full. In other words, not one that had been squished and all the kernels turned to pulp. Cause there is nothing worse than that. So, I found the perfect bag and put it in my cart. I went up to the check out and the woman scanned my items. She asked me if I needed any bags (I didn't) and gave me my total. I paid and started putting my groceries in my bags. I guess I wasn't moving fast enough for her liking when she turned to me and asked 'you doing ok?' and while she said this decided to use my bag of kettle corn as some sort of drum. [Oh no you di'ent!] 'You doing ok?' bang bang bang on the bag. My eyes widened, I could not believe what I was seeing! I could feel an anger swelling up inside of me as I answered 'yes, fine', quickly moving the popcorn bag away from this Loblaws monster. I gathered my groceries and left. [just breathe, just breathe, it will be fine, i'm sure the kernels are fine] On my journey home I slipped in the snow, my grocery bag fell to the floor and I my foot somehow landed right on top of it, crushing my kettle corn. R.I.P.

More Facebook panic!

So, Facebook is not giving notifications when someone comments on a wall post you wrote. Just to be absolutely clear, what that means is if I write on your wall something like 'hey, thanks again for last night, you were the best sex of my life' and then I wait for a notification of your response, well, that notification will never come. So, days will go by, I will drown my sorrows in alcohol, food, drugs, anything to numb the pain until I decide to look at your page to see if you have even been on Facebook...and aha! You have and you wrote 'thanks, you too, lets do it again... you free tonight' a day ago. Ack! A day YOU spent sitting and waiting and drowning your sorrows in alcohol, food, drugs, anything to numb the pain...

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.
• Taurus Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.
• Gemini They say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
• Cancer You'll come to in a new Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
• Leo Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.
• Virgo The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
• Libra You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
• Scorpio You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
• Sagittarius Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."
• Capricorn This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.
• Aquarius While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.
• Pisces Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.

Romance me rain

I love the rain. It's raining out. It's raining hard. It's pounding against the windows sending me a clear message to stay inside! Stay inside! I so love the rain though. It holds so many memories for me. Growing up in Vancouver, being young, memories of my family, school. Just the smell of it can take me right back. It makes me feel cuddly like a little kid and at the same time relaxed like an adult. I remember the first time I was in love and when it was tragically over, walking alone on a busy street, the tears running down my face masked by the pouring rain. I once had this incredible make out session in the rain that was like something out of a movie and now whenever I'm caught in a summer rain, i go right back to that moment in time. Today though is another story, it's 2 degrees, it's dark and uninviting out. I just ran across the street to get milk (ok and candy), the cold rain pelted my face (immediately reducing my morning puffiness, I might add), my shoes squeaking as the rain quickly soaked them. Slipping and sliding back up the stairs to my apartment, quickly taking off all my rain soaked clothes, making a cup of tea, cuddling back on the couch, looking out the window at the rain coming down...sigh...I love the rain.

Jenny's PSA about drugs

Yesterday I was on drugs. I took some percocet for incredibly bad cramps. It worked. I couldn't feel anything, just a sort of bliss and a bit dizzy. Things were a little blurry and I found things more humorous than I usually do. I watched silly sitcoms, spurting tea through my nose laughing at some gag that normally wouldn't get a half-smile. My senses seemed heightened, sounds were richer, tastes were more intense and sometimes at the same time! For example, I ate an apple and found every juicy bite so loud! I was like 'shut up apple'!

Just call me Jenny Walsh

Whenever I'm filling out some thing on the internet, (registering on some site to get something for free, you know free typefaces, or applications or porn) I always use 1. A fake name (no, I'm not telling you, but I will say I change genders) and 2. A fake address. My postal code is always 90210.

Laugh of the day

Prenatal Pole Dancing DVD from Christina Applegate

Too old for that

I tried writing a number on my forearm with a ballpoint pen last night and my skin was too old and loose for it to be able to be written on. The end.

Laugh of the day

My French is not that bad

Last night I snuggled up at home. Cracked open a bottle of red and settled in to watch a few movies. The first one was Paris Je T'aime, which was vignettes of Paris. Most good, one terrible, a couple just ok. Then I watched Les Amours Imaginaires, which I thought mostly wonderful, but this post is not about reviewing movies, it's about the subtitles. The subtitles in the first film had me thinking (and sometimes shouting to the screen, 'TMI!'). You see, English words appeared on the screen when a sound was made that I guess the 'subtitlers' thought drove the story. For example, a car horn would beep and on the screen would appear [car horn beeps] and then a character would shout in French what was subtitled in English as [ok, ok, sorry!] Now, I think we are intelligent enough to figure that out on our own? No? I'm pretty sure a car horn sounds the same in France as it does in England. There was a another scene where music was playing and on screen it said: [classical music playing] and then a character asked in French, subtitled in English 'what composer is this'. Again, this seems like another no-brainer. This is not closed-captioning. I mean really, people this stupid would never even watch subtitled films.

Quote of the day

A true friend stabs you in the front. — Oscar Wilde

Little hands

This past weekend I was at a party. I had a few drinks and found that it was time to visit the little girls room. When I finished doing what I had to do, I went to the sink to wash my hands. I tried to pick up the soap, but found I couldn't with one hand. The bar was huge! Seriously! It was the largest bar of soap I had ever seen! I had to use two hands to pick it up and it slipped and slid all around while I attempted to wash. Whew, I managed to get it back in it's holder. I told the hostess about it and of course she laughed and we all compared hands. I felt like I had a disability! Me and my tiny hands! Oh poor Jenny, she can't pick up the soap! So, I drowned my sorrows in my pint of beer, picked up by my two hands, of course.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your excitement at winning a trip to the big city will be painful to watch for all those who know what happened to the other pretty Ukrainian teens who entered the contest.
• Taurus You will be celebrated and vilified in equal measure when you scientifically determine the exact point at which a cute kitten becomes a full-grown cat and starts to suck.
• Gemini You've always thought that blimps were kind of relaxing, but that was before you experienced the long, drawn-out, almost boring horror of a three-hour accident.
• Cancer Trouble arises in the workplace when, after overhearing your remark about Lincoln having freed the slaves, your boss whips you, chains you to the drill press, and remarks that Lincoln was a long way from Shenzhen.
• Leo The supposedly open-minded residents of your hometown will shun you for sleeping with white women, especially when they find out you've been using lead-based paint to get them that way.
• Virgo You'll find it difficult to express your pride when the local nursing college lists your "activities" as the reason enrollment is down.
• Libra While it's true that a lot of music contains sexual innuendo, you're pretty much alone in thinking that Beethoven's Fifth has an undeniable copulatory rhythm.
• Scorpio You've always believed that you've left your lovers happy, satisfied, and thinking fondly of you, but their plaintive oinking and squealing would seem to suggest otherwise.
• Sagittarius You awoke this morning a young man without a care in the world, but due to cosmic events beyond your control, you'll end the day as the oldest woman ever in≠ducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.
• Capricorn Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but sometime's it's better to actually help people out of the burning building.
• Aquarius Although you are firmly convinced there are some things that mankind was just not meant to know, you're not exactly sure how you're supposed to be able to tell what they are.
• Pisces Someday in the future, long after you've died and passed from living memory, really won't be that long from now.

Quote of the day

The only truth is love beyond reason — Alfred de Musset

Bed bugs attack

I am constantly worried about getting bed bugs. Well, if you knew me, I'm pretty much worried about everything....but I digress. So, this fear is slightly justified as there is quite a bed bug problem in Toronto. I just moved recently and would not have if I knew I wasn't moving into a brand new place. When people talk about bed bugs, I get itchy. When I see a picture of one (when I look them up out of morbid curiosity) I get itchy. [side note: I was looking up the Wels Catfish, this European Catfish that can be 7 feet long and 150 pounds. That may or may not eat humans and most certainly is a cannibal. Look it up. You won't be able to have a bath for a couple of days] Ok, so back to the bed bugs. So I was on the bus yesterday and just before I sat down, I thought 'ooh, are there bed bugs on this bus'. I sat down anyway, I was feeling daring. Then this man sat in front of me and I stared into the back of his neck and head and swear I saw something moving, crawling through his disappearing hairline. EEK. Ooh, it's my stop. I got off and headed to meet my date, walked into the bar and sat down at a booth. Ooh, are there bed bugs in this booth? And the circle continues. So far, bed bug free, but I will keep you posted.

Cool video of the day

Now why did you have to go and do that?

I just went to the library to return some books. I browsed through their selection of DVD's before I left. I started looking through the racks and pulled one out (Les Amours Imaginaires) ooh, score! I've been wanting to see this! A man beside me asked 'what's that' gesturing towards the DVD. I told him the title and a bit of what it was about, and how it was at Cannes, etc, etc. This started a banter between us. He mentioned that he likes to put on a DVD and then read a book in the other room, so it was like he had 'company'. AW, my heart broke! I recommended some films to him as I spotted them 'This one is good' pointing to Happy Go-Lucky and 'I heard this one is good' pointing the The Band's Visit. He said he can't see anything to do with Israel, in his words 'too fresh for me'. I thought, oh, he has some history with Israel, but really this was my first clue. He picked up another one and read the back and then put it back in the rack and said 'I'm not homophobic or anything, but I really can't handle gay movies'. And...that was the end of our banter.

Quote of the day

I thought of that old joke, y’know, the, this… this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, uh, my brother’s crazy; he thinks he’s a chicken.” And, uh, the doctor says, “Well, why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs.” Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y’know, they’re totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and… but, uh, I guess we keep goin’ through it because, uh, most of us… need the eggs.
— Woody Allen as Alvy Singer, in Annie Hall

I'm a vault, a shiny, pretty vault

I have always been a good secret-keeper. My friends have always come to me for advice and to pour out their hearts. They often didn't even have to say 'don't tell anyone', cause they knew I wouldn't. I guess they knew from our history, I have always kept my mouth shut. I have never really thought about why until today when a friend of mine shared a secret with me. She made me swear I would not tell a soul and of course I swore on it. I thought: I wouldn't tell anyone cause it's nothing to do with me, therefore not very interesting. You see, it's not that I don't like to gossip, it's just I'm too self-involved to bother.