Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
• Taurus You should really try to live your life so that your happiness doesn't depend so much on whether or not they find the Higgs boson particle.
• Gemini You'll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travelers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.
• Cancer You've managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses' bodies.
• Leo The stars only allowed you to keep that kitten because you promised you'd feed it and clean up after it. Now put it in the shoe box and say goodbye.
• Virgo If there's one thing that gives you hope when all else fails—one small true thing that keeps you hanging on to this life—you sure haven't thought of it yet.
• Libra After years of trying to cultivate a gruff-but-lovable persona, you've gotten as far as a pretty decent abusive-but-fuckable.
• Scorpio People are free to think whatever they want, but you're pretty sure the parking-lot attendant guys were the real heroes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
• Sagittarius You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
• Capricorn You won't be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.
• Aquarius It's not that she no longer loves you, it's that she never did. She is a plastic doll and cannot love.
• Pisces The smell still won't go away. It won't. It won't. It won't.