Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really.
• Taurus Financial success continues to elude you, as you have yet to determine the best way to advertise your enjoyable and affordable mustache rides.
• Gemini An error in last week's horoscope has probably resulted in you having a chance midnight encounter with a tall dark strangler. The stars regret any inconvenience.
• Cancer Will you have the inner strength to deny a love that is no good for you? Do you have the courage to retry a project you've failed at before? Find out in next week's Cancer!
• Leo When all's been said and all's been done and you finally look back on the entirety of your life, it will be about 3 p.m. next Wednesday.
• Virgo Although it's true that the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see looks a lot more like a sort of medium-sized box than a nail.
• Libra You've never been able to explain why, but you have a sneaking suspicion that the narrator of 10cc's 1975 hit "I'm Not In Love" was in fact in love.
• Scorpio You'll manage to get through the entire Helen Keller presentation with no hilarious slip-ups, but afterward you'll be complimented by a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski.
• Sagittarius Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.
• Capricorn In a complete reversal of conventional wisdom, you'll find that you do in fact have to be crazy to work at your job, and that no, it doesn't help.
• Aquarius No one knows what mysteries lie deep in the human heart, but you figure they must not be rinsing it thoroughly or using a bright enough flashlight.
• Pisces You've always been a never-say-die type of person. Luckily, your impending death will be so embarrassingly obvious that words will be unnecessary.