Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your belief that all life's problems can be solved with a heart-to-heart talk and a good night's sleep will be severely tested this week when you're introduced to mathematics.
• Taurus This is a good week to start new projects, as long as they don't take more than four days and won't depress the people who find your body.
• Gemini This week you'll show everyone that you can be stunningly sexy at 50, which is deeply troubling as you were 27 last week.
• Cancer You'll finally make an effort to remove your mental blinders, leaving the coroner to wonder why exactly you took the cordless drill to your temples.
• Leo When all's said and done, you should probably have just let those pandas succeed or fail on their own merits.
• Virgo You'll finally come to understand your own heart and mind, and by extension, exactly what everyone has been laughing at all these years.
• Libra While it's true that life often imitates art, it's odd that your life imitates J.G. Ballards' avant-garde fiction piece "The Assassination Of JFK Considered As A Downhill Motor Race."
• Scorpio The stars foresee a lesson in humility this week when you try telling everyone about the "hot new band" Animal Collective, which the stars have been listening to for like forever.
• Sagittarius You thought you had finally had done something strikingly new and original, but it turns out that thousands of people already in the afterlife got there the exact same way you did.
• Capricorn It's really too bad you couldn't have been defenestrated years ago when it was cool before everybody started using the word.
• Aquarius Although you're beginning to despair, it's important to square your shoulders, set your jaw, take a deep breath, and try to hit the toilet with everything this time.
• Pisces You will definitely be remembered by all people for all time, a fact that should make you feel much more shame and disappointment than it may seem.