Does this post make my ass look fat?

A friend once said to me something like: I know we haven't seen each other in awhile, but I pretty much know what you have been doing by your facebook status updates. I was crushed. I mean, I realize I am more open than most in voicing my opinion, but come on! As much as I am an advocate of technology and all things social media, nothing can replace that face to face connection. Oh and to answer your obvious question, no, I did not tell my friend this, I just quietly noted to myself to blog about it...Then post it to my facebook account and write a tweet linking back to this post.

Laugh of the day in 2 parts

Ha, how is this the first time I have ever seen this. Tip: don't drink coffee while viewing, or you might dribble it on your keyboard in laughter.

Laugh of the Part 2

Oh wow, this part is even more hilarious.

Quote of the day

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

Death becomes us

In every television awards show when they do the 'in memoriam' part, I always, without fail, cry. I watched the Emmy awards last night and this time I said to my self 'I'm not going to cry,  I'm not going to cry' but 10 seconds in, I was a blubbering mess. I don't get it. I don't know these people personally. Yes, some of them I grew up watching and possibly they acted a part that profoundly affected me. But I think the real reason of why I tear up is that it makes me think of my own mortality. How short life is. I mean if these people -- immortalized in pixels and celluloid -- can ultimately go, then what of us normal folk? We don't get reruns, this our one shot, so we'd better make it good! When we are gone, we're gone...ba dum ching!

What if God was one of us?

I came home today and found this on my door. It seems if God had an ipod, his apps would be: Love, Joy, Peace, Healing, Wholeness, Faithfulness, New Creation and Freedom among what I'm sure are countless others. My question is would he have the Spin The Bottle app? Cause that one is really fun.

Quote of the day

Ya gots to work with what you gots to work with. - Stevie Wonder

A little cuteness goes a long way

I love it when twitter is over capacity and the cute whale appears held up by all those twitter birds. It always makes me smile. So take note, if you need to inconvenience someone, just show them a cute picture of some cartoon animal while doing the inconveniencing, and they won't mind at all.

Daily squirm

Ok, so I know I don't usually indulge in my adolescent-like fantasies on this blog, but indulge me today on this indulgence. Christina Hendricks of Mad Men fame is the new face (and bod) of London Fog. This woman has got it all: that body with it's er... ample bosoms, a chin dimple AND she's a ginger to boot? I can barely believe she exists! All I can say is, bring on the rain.

It's in the mail

When I came to look at the apartment that I now live in, the then-tenants were models that were leaving to move to Milan. Glamour! Excitement! I knew I must live here -- So continental!!! Weeks later, I started getting some of their mail, and I still do, like today -- mostly bills, some government stuff -- they didn't seem to be very financially stable -- and surprise, surprise, a newsletter from Sheena's place, an eating disorder clinic. Oh Models, you are such a Cliché! Thank you for not disappointing me!

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives.
• Taurus You should really try to live your life so that your happiness doesn't depend so much on whether or not they find the Higgs boson particle.
• Gemini You'll take a long trip on a luxurious passenger train and meet a diverse group of travelers, all of whom will later collaborate to murder you.
• Cancer You've managed to maintain a little bit of mystery about yourself, but that will evaporate when they find the last two nurses' bodies.
• Leo The stars only allowed you to keep that kitten because you promised you'd feed it and clean up after it. Now put it in the shoe box and say goodbye.
• Virgo If there's one thing that gives you hope when all else fails—one small true thing that keeps you hanging on to this life—you sure haven't thought of it yet.
• Libra After years of trying to cultivate a gruff-but-lovable persona, you've gotten as far as a pretty decent abusive-but-fuckable.
• Scorpio People are free to think whatever they want, but you're pretty sure the parking-lot attendant guys were the real heroes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
• Sagittarius You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
• Capricorn You won't be immortalized upon death, specifically, but people will come from miles around to see the Tomb of the Unknown Guy Who Tried to Eat a Whole 6-Foot Sub In 30 Seconds.
• Aquarius It's not that she no longer loves you, it's that she never did. She is a plastic doll and cannot love.
• Pisces The smell still won't go away. It won't. It won't. It won't.

I'll have what she's having

So I have these allergies that make my ears SO itchy that I look forward to itching them with a Q-Tip. In fact I have got to a point where I put on soft music, pour myself a glass of wine, put the lights down low and romance those ears all night long -- or two minutes, depending. Then I reach for my post-itch Reactine and doze off, satisfied.

Laugh of the day

This is so cute and smart and adorable!

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

Quote of the day

A bell's not a bell 'til you ring it, A song's not a song 'til you sing it, Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay, Love isn't love 'til you give it away! - Oscar Hammerstein II

The daily groan

So, as you know, I am mostly unemployed. On my job hunt I come across various postings and I thought I would share this one with you. The company will remain nameless but suffice to say it's a popular west end hotel with a great outdoor space. Notice they require a degree, a minimum of 2 years experience and both print and online software proficiency -  and what do they want to pay for all of this: $12 an hour (in bold face so you can really feel my pain). This is my life. Enjoy:

The successful candidate will have:
- 2 years minimum experience
- Strong communication skills and attention to detail
- Strong typography skills
- Experience working on marketing campaigns
- The ability to meet deadlines regularly
- A fun sense of design
- Degree in design

And must be proficient in:
- Photoshop
- Illustrator
- Microsoft Publisher
- Adobe Flash
- HTML
- CSS
- InDesign
- After Effects
- Photography

If interested please submit resume with 'DESIGN' as subject.
- Location: Toronto
- Compensation: $12 / hr
- This is a part-time job
- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster
- Please, no phone calls about this job
- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Never go hungry again

http://www.whatthefuckshouldimakefordinner.com/

Laugh of the day

It's raining and it's Sunday, so of course I naturally thought Bert and Ernie doing gangsta rap would be perfect. Enjoy!

Quote of the day

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
- Oscar Wilde

I had a dream

Last night I had a dream about this 'bachelor' type show called Kick It Off where all the old Bachelors and Bachelorettes vied for a million dollars. The great thing about this dream is that I was one of the Bachelorettes (I forget which season) -- we made our way around the globe defeating our enemies (former suitors) by punching and kicking them video game style! KAPOW!

When you find your lobster...

I love how Woody uses these two scenes to illustrate 'a soulmate'. When you find your lobster, never let it slip away...

Funny ad

I laughed when I saw this ad advertised on my blog. Sigh....Google ads knows me so well. What do you think the other 2 mistakes are? And what do they mean by too close? So intriguing...

Our Chart

So last night I found myself in a familiar place, a lesbian bar. There were a couple of new relationships making their debut -- a couple of relationships making their demise. It got me to thinking about, well, how incestuous it all is and thought 'I should make a chart'. You know THE CHART? So I got out a piece of paper, 8 1/2 by 11 and began. After about 5 minutes, I ran out of space so I used a tabloid piece. Another 5 minutes went by and I had already taped 7 pieces together and was running out of room in my apartment so I moved the whole operation to the park. Half an hour later, there was no space for anyone to play Frisbee, wander about or drink beer secretly by a tree. The chart was simply way too massive. So I gave up.

Untitled

I had so many ideas today of things I would write about. The rowing machine incident at the gym (well incident in my mind) my fantasies when I get lost in my screensaver, the psychic dog next door, the dreams of me being in silent films -- I could go on and on. But I start writing them and then I think 'who cares' - this is so narcissistic this blog thing? No? I mean I know that's my thing and all -- talking about me -- but sometimes I'm like meh, I'm over myself. Sorry bloggos and blogettes (ha!) I'll be back tomorrow or so with some fabulous tales about who else? Me!

Laugh of the day

This is so good on so many levels. Mostly on the silly level where I normally operate. Wait for the end when those crotchety old men comment: 'the question is: who cares? Classic!!

I had a dream

I had one of those dreams last night that EVERYONE was in. And I mean everyone. From Bugs Bunny to Woody Allen to my best friend when I was 9 to my ex to my deceased grandfather. Now, what does that mean. Does it mean I'm crazy? Does it mean I'm thinking about the past? Although Bugs and I never really hung out...much.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries To be truly human is to never give up; however, to be truly human is also to know the meaning of sacrifice. It's some deep shit, really.
• Taurus Financial success continues to elude you, as you have yet to determine the best way to advertise your enjoyable and affordable mustache rides.
• Gemini An error in last week's horoscope has probably resulted in you having a chance midnight encounter with a tall dark strangler. The stars regret any inconvenience.
• Cancer Will you have the inner strength to deny a love that is no good for you? Do you have the courage to retry a project you've failed at before? Find out in next week's Cancer!
• Leo When all's been said and all's been done and you finally look back on the entirety of your life, it will be about 3 p.m. next Wednesday.
• Virgo Although it's true that the only tool you have is a hammer, everything you see looks a lot more like a sort of medium-sized box than a nail.
• Libra You've never been able to explain why, but you have a sneaking suspicion that the narrator of 10cc's 1975 hit "I'm Not In Love" was in fact in love.
• Scorpio You'll manage to get through the entire Helen Keller presentation with no hilarious slip-ups, but afterward you'll be complimented by a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski.
• Sagittarius Sometimes you miss your days as part of a plucky band of mystery-solving teens, but hey, survivor guilt is like that.
• Capricorn In a complete reversal of conventional wisdom, you'll find that you do in fact have to be crazy to work at your job, and that no, it doesn't help.
• Aquarius No one knows what mysteries lie deep in the human heart, but you figure they must not be rinsing it thoroughly or using a bright enough flashlight.
• Pisces You've always been a never-say-die type of person. Luckily, your impending death will be so embarrassingly obvious that words will be unnecessary.

Urban connections

So I was cycling today and went to pass this old man who was biking a wee slow. As I went by, I rang my bell to alert him so he wouldn't move into me. As soon as I passed, he rang his bell and not in an obnoxious way, no, in an endearing old man cute way. I turned around and smiled back at him and he smiled.

Another day at Sugar Beach

I went down to Sugar Beach again yesterday to read and relax. It was very windy and I was caught every 10 minutes in these little sandstorms that stuck sand all over my sun-screened body. I came home and showered right away and let me tell you I am as soft as a babies bottom today! Sugar Beach you exfoliate me!

Quote of the day

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty; To find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; This is to have succeeded.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mothers

So as most of you know, I'm unemployed and looking for work. Recently, I applied for this job and I sent the cover letter to my parents to proof it for grammatical errors. My mother called me later that day and said (in her i guess you could say 'Mediterranean' accent: 'This is such a good letter! I would hire you just from this letter!' And it got me to thinking if only your mother was giving you all the breaks in life. Then you would have the ideal job, a beautiful partner on the inside and out and everyone would treat you like gold.

Quote of the day

Human beings are social creatures, and a concern for each other is the very basis of our life together
- Dalai Lama

More thoughts on Facebook

So I wrote a Facebook status the other day and a few minutes later, my friend asked me what was the back story on it? I told her there was no back story, I just thought of it and then posted it. She told me she was disappointed, she thought there would be a funny back story. And I said 'now I have to have funny back stories to go along with my funny statuses?'

Laugh of the day

This never gets old even though it's so old!

Y'all come back and see us sometime

I went to the new man-made beach at the bottom of Jarvis, Sugar Beach, yesterday. Which by the way I keep saying in an American southern accent, not sure why. Anyway, I rode down, took my book, found a chair under a little tree and parked myself. 2 hours later, sleepy and relaxed -- sand beneath my toes, wind in my hair, not a care in the world. These little birds kept me company flying around the tree above me, singing their Sugar Beach song. One even pooped on my leg and I didn't even mind, I wasn't even sure it was real poop!  Sugar Beach is a little reprieve from the hectic city and as long as you keep looking south, you may as well be on the coast somewhere. And for a confirmed city girl like me, well Sugar Beach, you complete me!

Quote of the day

In hell, people are given very long chopsticks, longer than their arms, with which to eat. As they pick up food with the chopsticks, turning it toward their mouths, the food remains beyond reach. And although there is an abundance of food, everyone is starving. In heaven, on the other hand, people have the same long chopsticks, but everyone is full and content. The difference between hell and heaven is that in heaven, people don't try to feed themselves with the long chopsticks; they feed each other.
- Japanese fable

The old days

I went to a show last night: Warpaint. Great show by the way, but not the point of this post. When I got home, I tipsyly (new word - you like?) emptied my pockets, threw off my clothes and went to bed. The next morning I went through my pocket debris - organizing: loose change goes here, ID back in wallet, concert stub....and I remembered when I used to go to concerts and then put the stubs in the back of the band's CD case. But now, this stub has no home as I downloaded Warpaint's stuff. So, where does it go now? I guess, in the blue bin.

Make your own music video!

Broken Bells has released their new video for 'October', and it's interactive! In 3D! It's a journey! It's so beautiful!
Take this journey with Broken Bells....

Good to set goals

You know those deals you make with yourself? Not even deals really cause they are out of your control, they are meaningless -- like horoscopes or fortune tellers -- in fact even more meaningless.  Here's an example: You are riding your bike and coming up to a light, you see the countdown on the walk signal and say to yourself 'If I can make this light, then that person I want will call me' (or text, or fb message or email or maybe comment on your status). Now, this is just an example remember. You usually know you can meet this goal or otherwise, you would not tell yourself this. Now, if you fail somehow you can blame your lonely nights -- watching reruns and eating chocolate -- on the traffic, or a bumpy road, it has nothing to do with you. And again, this is just an example.

Quote of the day

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves - Henry David Thoreau

Super Chameleon

Super chameleon from Never Hide Films on Vimeo.

My Nana

I've been thinking about my grandmother today. Not sure why, I guess the anniversary of her death is coming up soon or could be because I just told my friend in my best 'jewish grandmother voice' that i was hungry for her and she should eat something. (ps: this is not my grandmother, just a stereotypical Jewish grandmother to further push my point and the make this post more humourous.)

More on Fruit Flies

Ok, so I know I have talked about fruit flies a bit too often but any of you that know me, know I get a wee obsessed about things, well obsessed might not be the right word...lets call it detailed. I am trying to understand them by how they behave. For example, I wonder, why is there one hovering around me while I type this post? Ah - they like the light. Why do they like my coffee but not tea? Why do they like White Vinnegar and not balsamic? Why do they like lettuce but not bok choy? Why do they like beer but not white wine. Aha, I think I have figured this one out: they are white trash fruit flies! Well what are they doing here? Time to move on out and move on up!

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

Aries You will soon embark on a long journey over water by night, which will be extremely romantic until you figure out how low the pilot is flying.
Taurus This week, you'll gain employment in a strange office in which everyone is happy, no one makes irritating small talk about reality TV, and the work is challenging and rewarding.
Gemini Your life will be cut tragically short next week by the untimely discovery that your breadmaker can also be used to make doughnuts.
Cancer Love flickers, love fades, and love can gutter and die, but love is still better than those fucking compact fluorescent bulbs.
Leo You claim to be a champion of truth and beauty, but you still can't name three poems by Dean Young.
Virgo Future archaeologists will find your desiccated skeleton exactly where you starved, midway between two 64-ounce bags of Bugles.
Libra You may be heartbroken, but you can no more stop him from leaving than you can stop the toaster from falling into your bathtub Thursday.
Scorpio It's time you learned to treat people as individuals instead of mathematically predictable members of an aggregate set, no matter how well that works.
Sagittarius On a dark night this week, the men in lab coats will once more come for you, but it's just because they left one of their lab coats at your place last time.
Capricorn The stars had something important to tell you, but California's gay- marriage ban was just overturned so they're going to get drunk and go dancing instead.
Aquarius They thought they had you pegged. They thought they could screw you over and you'd just take it lying down. They were wrong. You're thrashing about in ecstasy like a crazy person. It's a little freaky.
Pisces Your life will continue on pretty much the way it always has.

Laugh of the day

Another woody but goody!

I'm not here or there for that matter

So I've been getting into new ways of communicating online as I am trying to parlay this interest into a new career. So one of the ways was with Foursquare, you know, the location-based social networking app? Well anyway, I 'checked-in' a few times (Voglie, the Library, No-frills)... and then I realized I'm not comfortable letting people know where I am physically, after all, they already know where I am emotionally and mentally by reading this blog. I need to keep something a mystery.

Cool turntable art

Stuck in a Groove / Phonovideo from Clemens Kogler on Vimeo.

Quote of the day

The more we truly desire to benefit others, the more strength and confidence we develop and the deeper the peace and happiness we experience - Dalai Lama

More thoughts on Facebook

Hey you, yes you, I just want to let you know that no one cares if you can't make an event that 459 people were invited to because you just had surgery. Or you are in Cuba. Or you have moved to Winnipeg but if you still lived in Toronto, you most surely would attend. Seriously, no one cares.

Laugh of the day

Finally!!! Codependency is SO ovah!

New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other

More thoughts on Facebook

This is huge people.
I just discovered something. Something so difficult for me to even speak about. Something so heinous, so unbelievable - but so important that I must get myself together - however I can manage to do that - and relay this information to you. Whew, ok, here goes:

When someone 'likes' something on your facebook page that you did not write or post, you do not get a notification.

Phew. I feel better now. I understand now when they say 'speaking it aloud will lessen it's importance'.

I wish I made this

Fantastic use of type to animate 'Network' speech:

Mad As Hell! Kinetic Typography from Aaron Leming on Vimeo.

Mark Jenkins // Street Installations

Mark Jenkins // Street Installations

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction.
- Albert Einstein

Revenge is sweet, very sweet

I have constructed a death chamber of sorts for fruit flies. I placed some vinegar in a glass with a nice, juicy strawberry in the middle, then I put plastic wrap over it, poked a few holes in the top and now I sit and wait for them to get trapped in this sweet, syrupy coffin.

Out of place

I was sitting on a patio yesterday waiting for my friends to show up. I ordered a beer and sat in the sun with not a care in the world. Beside this patio, there was a foot path that people (mostly business types) kept walking through (it was the business area of Toronto). But then this old Asian woman on a bicycle pedaled by with a clear bag tied around her handlebars with 3 or so fish heads in it. It was such a striking, and surprisingly beautiful moment. So I celebrated with more beer.

Laugh of the day

Well Prop 8 is back in the news, so thought I would bring back this hilarious musical starring a lot of people that we know or that look familiar.

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... from Jack Black

Please go see Despicable Me

The best part is when a minion says 'what'. If you don't laugh at that, you are dead inside. The minion guys are SO adorable I want one more than I want a smurf and speaking of which, we saw a trailer for the smurf movie coming soon! Amazing! I love animation!!

Yonge Street back then

I love the old signage of the 70s and 80s.

Burlesque

So, the movie 'Burlesque' is about to come out. This movie stars mummy-like actress-singer Cher and singer-dancer-and actress? Christina Aguilera. The plot seems to be 'small town girl moves to big city and struggles to make ends meet as a waitress but dreams of stardom.' She meets a woman who reluctantly helps her to become a star. She has terrible relationships with men, perhaps even abusive, on her road to fame.  I think I've seen this movie before, it's called 'Showgirls' and it looks like it's on its way to cult hit cheesedom! Check out the trailer: I smell Oscars all around!

OOh I found new Horscopes! For the month of August...enjoy!

Aries: People close to you will try and make you do things with your life this month for their own selfish reasons. Do not do them, do not listen to these people, and please do not be swayed. Stick to your guns. The month will start out with you thinking how great you are, but by the end of it you will pretty much be under suicide watch. Yeah, you might fall in love this August. And I might grow a dick on my neck that I can suck while waiting for the bus.

Taurus: This August is the month where your long-term goals will weigh heavy on the mind. You finally realize that you will never achieve them. It is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Others will give you shit for abandoning your dreams. Fuck them. Everyone stops calling you and nobody will even pick up their phone when you try and reach out. It’ll all be okay though; Beer doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.

Gemini: And you said you’d never become a drug addict! Ha! You are an innately comical person, but the joke appears to be on you this August. I can’t tell exactly which drug it is, but you are going to fall down a deep well of unadulterated fiending this month. My crystal ball says it starts at a party, but I keep hearing the word WHORE over and over. So avoid prosties, as well as parties. I’m really sorry about this. Oh yeah. You’ll be at a picnic or something this month and your brother will tell you he’s gay.

Cancer: You already have cancer but you don’t find out until late in the month when you hook up with a doctor in a bathroom stall at a bar and he says he feels something strange down there. Don’t worry. It gets cured in December (but you aren’t supposed to know that until December, so shhh). You cannot focus on anything this month. You get fired from work after getting caught masturbating at the office because you forget to lock the bathroom door. But a good friend of yours comes into a bunch of money and you go on a fantastic Mexican vacation with him which is just super until he tells you something you never wanted to know.

Leo: You finally get what you’ve always wanted this August: freedom. Your boyfriend/girlfriend will leave you for one of your friends. It feels good at first, you don’t really mind, and kind of always saw those two together anyway. But this doesn’t last. You start to get really lonely and the only bar you feel comfortable at to drown your feelings, those two have taken on as their new favorite hang-out as well. You want to appear that you’re okay with all of this so you keep going, but the envy and jealousy get so agonizing that you do a million shots one night and cause a HUGE scene, throwing your beer all over them and starting a fight with the guy/girl who is now jamming your ex. Cops come, then jail, then court, then permanent record. But you meet someone new in all of these legal proceedings and it looks like that might work out (but it doesn’t).

Virgo: All that writing you’ve been doing for the past few years really comes to a head this August and you’re basically gleaming the cube on the ol’ word docs. But you work a good friend into a story and they hate it, it pisses them off, and they tell your significant other some terrible things about you and you lose the love of your life. Is the juice worth the squeeze? Yes. Squeeze away.

Libra: I’d get a hold of some Xanax or sleeping pills or something if I were you because you are going to want to miss 99% of the things that happen to you this month. It’s pretty bad. I can’t even bear to say it. Just trust me on this one, but try and hang on until September. Here’s a hint: you win Arcade Fire tickets on the radio (but unfortunately their new album sucks).

Scorpio: You have big plans for this month. A big road trip with your loved ones. Then one of them disappears at a rest area and you hear their screams as an old red van rolls past you and then speeds off onto the highway. You attempt to follow after it but you lost your car keys fagging it up in the bushes while your wife was changing the baby’s diaper in the bathroom. This is why the other one disappears. You will not be watching them like you said you would, and it will be your fault and no one else’s. Things get better though: Your mother finally breaks her ten-year silence and calls you. You’ve missed her.

Sagittarius: Boy oh boy! I see nothing but blue skies for you, guy! What did you do to deserve such a great fortune for this month?! Oh wait. I see what you did. Eh, now the skies don’t look so blue anymore and they’re darkening rather quickly. You will never be able to live with that shit, man. From now on, anything in your life that should make you feel good will just be fucking dominated by striking pangs of guilt and visions of hell. Go to the cops already. It’s the right thing to do.

Capricorn: Hm. This is odd. Things are actually looking pretty balanced and steady for you. Nothing too great, nothing too horrible. But, then again, that’s how it’s kind of been your entire life, hasn’t it? You have never felt true joy or real love or any beautiful moments of melancholy or sadness. Your life is like one long gray day reading the same newspaper over and over while you wait at the window for it to quit raining so you can finally go outside. Listen, man, it is NEVER going to stop raining. You have to do something soon or you will become irretrievable. I’m sorry.

Aquarius: Funsies, traveling first-class, exotic languages, exotic joy, local drugs in exotic places, whores, music, beaches, love, tits, gold, loud, food, wine, laughter, laughter, friends, friends, friends, and a family that truly loves you. All of those wonderful things? Yeah. Not yours this August. But anything else is game so get creative.

Pisces: You might just make it this August. You’ve built up so many defense mechanisms that you are essentially a brick wall, but a brick wall that still has to eat, shit, drink, piss, and breathe. You really don’t sleep well at all anymore and it feels like you haven’t truly rested in years. You don’t know who your real friends are (you haven’t known for a long time), and why all of a sudden are you hanging out with all of these new people you neither know nor like? Some of your habits are beginning to show in your face. Everyone can see it and they are ALL talking about it. But by the end of the month, you’ve completely stopped caring about other people so that evens things out in that area. I think you might pick up a hobby this month. Like painting. Or crafts.
Oh yeah. Your dad comes to visit you and, over appetizers at the steakhouse, tells you he’s gay.

Read the rest at Vice Magazine: AUGUST HORRORSCOPES - Viceland Today

Laugh of the day

I'm going to a movie tonight. I hope I do not have someone behind me babbling on like this:

Fruit Flies

Well, well, well, it's that time of year when those little tiny fruit flies find themselves an unwelcome guest in one's home. I wake up every morning and go into the bathroom just to be greeted by one. Oh good morning annoying pest! Why are you in my bathroom? Is it my moisturizer you like? perhaps the toothpaste? WHY ARE YOU HERE??? sigh - time to put on the coffee. Pour some beans in the grinder and WHAT - oh, hello there, you like coffee too? A while later I get ready to head out for a bike ride and slather myself with sunscreen. Who pops by? You guessed it - my little annoying friend, fruit fly, who seems to not have a very sophisticated palette, so I really don't see this roommate situation working out. Sorry. It's been lovely. Till we meet again....

Ode to A/C

I love you central air oh yes I do,
I love you central air and I'll be true.
When you're not near me,
I'm blue (and sweaty)
oh central air I love you.

Laugh of the day

This is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. Anna Faris has about 20 different stoner looks. This scene is just one of many hilarious ones. It also reminds me of me as I constantly break into song and I'm sure if I smoked pot I would do something like this.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your belief that all life's problems can be solved with a heart-to-heart talk and a good night's sleep will be severely tested this week when you're introduced to mathematics.
• Taurus This is a good week to start new projects, as long as they don't take more than four days and won't depress the people who find your body.
• Gemini This week you'll show everyone that you can be stunningly sexy at 50, which is deeply troubling as you were 27 last week.
• Cancer You'll finally make an effort to remove your mental blinders, leaving the coroner to wonder why exactly you took the cordless drill to your temples.
• Leo When all's said and done, you should probably have just let those pandas succeed or fail on their own merits.
• Virgo You'll finally come to understand your own heart and mind, and by extension, exactly what everyone has been laughing at all these years.
• Libra While it's true that life often imitates art, it's odd that your life imitates J.G. Ballards' avant-garde fiction piece "The Assassination Of JFK Considered As A Downhill Motor Race."
• Scorpio The stars foresee a lesson in humility this week when you try telling everyone about the "hot new band" Animal Collective, which the stars have been listening to for like forever.
• Sagittarius You thought you had finally had done something strikingly new and original, but it turns out that thousands of people already in the afterlife got there the exact same way you did.
• Capricorn It's really too bad you couldn't have been defenestrated years ago when it was cool before everybody started using the word.
• Aquarius Although you're beginning to despair, it's important to square your shoulders, set your jaw, take a deep breath, and try to hit the toilet with everything this time.
• Pisces You will definitely be remembered by all people for all time, a fact that should make you feel much more shame and disappointment than it may seem.

Unselfish moment

So I usually don't care to talk about anyone other than myself, but I thought I would do a good deed for today and promote my friend's band People You Know. Go here and vote for them so they can get famous faster:

http://www.indiscover.net/Competitor.aspx?ID=10378

Bachelorette Wrap-up

Who did she choose? Did they propose? Did she say yes? Will it last for longer than a month? So many questions were answered last night. Here are my thoughts on this show:

It is so repetive, I have almost memorized it by commercial time. I find it a shame that we can't see the sex scenes. I love the gratuitous pan's up Ali's bikini body that made my mouth literally drop open and eyes widen and I did get a little horny when her and Roberto made out in the rain. I cringed a little when Chris kissed Ali like he was bobbing for apples but felt a little sorry for him when she dumped him after a night of what must have been multiple BJ's with Roberto (but we don't know for sure) although my friend said she did look like she had 'dick mouth'. But then right after being dumped he saw a rainbow and knew it was his dead mother smiling down on him. Aw.

Now why does he have to propose. It's her show, her decision and then she waits to see if he will propose. Pfft! It's 2010. But I guess the Princess would never propose to the Prince, so I get it. You know this show is ultimately good for the gay marriage cause. Cause it kind of makes a mockery of marriage so maybe after a few more seasons, middle america will stop making the institution of marriage such a big deal and then we can have our own Bachelor and Bachelorette shows that people will make fun of. Now THAT would be equality.

Laugh of the day in 2 parts

Quote of the day

Compassion and love are not a luxury. As the source both of inner and external peace, they are fundamental to the survival of our species.
- Dalai Lama

I was a shoegazer

When I was a young lass I took off from my cozy home in Vancouver on a cross-Canada tour. I was alone, relatively shy but ready for adventure. I bought this tape (yes tape) right before I left and listened to it non-stop on the bus as I travelled from city to city. As I listened I realized the whole album was a journey beginning with track number 1, this song: Leave them all behind. And now, almost 20 years later, whenever I'm going through a change in my life, I reach for this CD or my ipod and play this album from start to finish and somehow, I feel better.

Snake dreams

Ok, so last night I had a dream about a snake that lunged at my head while I was lying down and stayed coiled around it and wouldn't move and threatened to bite people that tried to remove it. So, I looked up what this dream might mean is here is what I found:

Gillian Holloway, Ph.D. wrote, "People who are dying or who have lost a loved one often dream of snakes, at or near the time of death. For whatever reason, these dreams seem involved with the psychic awareness of the transition from this life to the next....

OMG Gillian! Now my dreams are telling me I'm dying? Now I'm scared of death in waking life and slumber? ACK!

...are often used as phallic symbols and have long been linked with pagan fertility gods.

hmm...no, don't think it's this one, even with my gay porn watching and all. Although even though I was scared of it, it was being kinda cuddly....uh oh.

To see a lone snake and feel threatened by it in a dream or in real life shows that you have a bad enemy that is working against you.

Impossible! Everyone loves me!

They can point to a deep seated anxiety that something isn't right or a nagging feeling that something is waiting for them, something bad, like a snake in the grass. Is there something going on in your life that you are afraid of doing simply because you've never done it before? 

Yes! Finally, anxiety! Now that is something I can get behind.  

Oh and PS: I Googled pictures of snakes to accompany this post but I got scared and closed the window before I could choose one. So, you will just have to use your imagination. xo