Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.
• Taurus Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.
• Gemini Just as the ancient Babylonians were wise to restrict the telling of the future to a mere dozen signs, you would be wise to start new projects at work this week.
• Cancer Vast and mighty cosmic forces stemming from the 12 majestic signs of the zodiac have conspired to foresee travel in your future. That's right, 12 majestic signs, not 13.
• Leo You know what's a stupid name for a zodiac sign? Ophiuchus. It certainly doesn't sound like a sign that would warn you not to make big financial decisions until the full moon.
• Virgo This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly held belief systems.
• Libra Wait, if an existing constellation has that great an effect on one's destiny, then why didn't anyone make a fuss about Eris, Sedna, and Quaoar, the planet-sized objects in the Kuiper belt?
• Scorpio Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.
• Sagittarius Just keep repeating: No matter what, you are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius.
• Capricorn Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit is better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.
• Aquarius This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ophiuchus would never have given you.
• Pisces Learn to trust your heart. No one ever grew spiritually as a person by doing what the numbers and the science clearly indicate they should do.