Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Just when it seems that all hope is gone, you'll discover a deep untapped reservoir of hope within you which will soon be gone too.
• Taurus You've always wanted to yell "Stop the presses," but just when it looks as though you'll finally get an opportunity to do so, they'll feed you in head first.
• Gemini Readers across the nation will finally be exposed to your literary genius and scintillating wordplay now that the DOT has approved your custom license plate.
• Cancer You will make medical history this week as the first person to recover from smallpox only to die from a never-before-seen strain of enormouspox.
• Leo You'll learn too late that love and deception often go hand in hand when the eloquent stranger sending you love letters turns out not to be the real Sarah Vowell.
• Virgo The flame of true love will finally gutter and die in your soul, but take heart: The flame of too many video game systems plugged into a single outlet still burns brightly in your living room.
• Libra Nothing will seem sadder to you than the sight of the hooks that once held her photograph, but there's absolutely nothing else in the room to stare at for hours on end.
• Scorpio When you were a child, you spoke as a child, you understood as a child, and you thought as a child; so no real changes, then.
• Sagittarius Your lifelong search for a soul mate will come to an end at last when you discover it was Robert Kearns, inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper, who died in 2005.
• Capricorn You'll do your part for the environment this week when you recycle what's left of the nurses into furniture, decorative items, and innovative storage solutions.
• Aquarius Just when you think all subtle beauty has finally faded from the world, you'll remember "So Into You" by the Atlanta Rhythm Section.
• Pisces Love may mean different things to different people, but it's surprising how many definitions include heavy investment in real estate.