Taurus You'll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
Gemini The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but they're still quite tired from having all that raucous sex with your wife.
Cancer People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
Leo Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
Virgo Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it's the giant mosquito costume.
Libra You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his naked neighbor.
Scorpio Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
Sagittarius You've always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you've never been handy with a bear trap.
Capricorn Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
Aquarius Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that's really your plumber's fault.
Pisces Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
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