Running up that road, running up that hill, with A LOT of problems

I am not a runner. I have dabbled. I have tried hard to like it. I have tried. I know how amazing you feel once the run is done, but the reward does not seem to pay off for the effort involved. I'd rather head to the gym for some elliptical action or pull out my yoga mat and stretch till I can't stretch no more. I notice a lot of runners out there. I often see you huffing and puffing on my morning commute or while I sit here by the window — in pajamas and drinking coffee — writing this post. I cannot understand when it's -20 and snow is blowing all around and you are out there, unhinged, running your little heart out, breathing in the icy air like a lunatic. I shiver taking out my recycling — and there you are; I bundle up and run across the street to the corner store to buy — no doubt something my body doesn't need — and there you are; I make the 10 minute trek to the LCBO for more wine — and there you are running, mocking me with your crazy toned ass and clinically-insane firm thighs.

I guess you can't be a player forever...

My DVD player has stopped playing. I can't figure out what's wrong but it occurred to me that little Ms. DVD player has been well, shall we say, active. She has let quite a few titles penetrate her silvery walls. Titles from all over the world! Titles young and old! Action, Drama, Chick flicks, Comedy! In and out and in and out these titles have come, some with bonus features! And god knows where those titles have been! So rest in peace my little loose friend. Thanks for all the great stories.

Laugh of the day

Marry me Anne Hathaway.

Commuter

As most of you know I have a job now. A job that gets me up at 7:15am and off to commute in Toronto's transit. I take a bus, then a streetcar there and a bus and the subway back. It's kinda gross. I feel like I'm covered in germs by the time I'm in my office drinking my first coffee. I love the sunny mornings when I can cover my puffy eyes with sunglasses so I do not frighten the sleepy passengers. The glasses pull double-duty as they hide my weeping eyes from this cold winter. Oh, actually they serve another purpose: people watching, and the 9 to 5 commute just might be the best people watching in the city. The commute tells me a lot about people in a general way. Like for example, the closer I get to the downtown core, the nicer dressed the people are getting on the streetcar. And more specifically, how this middle-aged man likes to read a book called 'Streetwalkers' which upon glancing over his shoulder, I noticed words like 'garter, disease and bodice', while another man eats an apple and then opens the window of the streetcar and discards his fruit remains onto the frozen street. The one thing that I absolutely look forward to is the journey home. I sit by the window of the subway and as it starts to pull away I often lock eyes with someone standing on the platform. In that moment, I have fallen in love. Our entire love affair flashes before my eyes in those few seconds. Until the train pulls away and I'm on to the next.

Quote of the day

Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you — Rashi

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.
• Taurus You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
• Gemini Although you feel as if you are all alone in a cold, brutal, and uncaring world, there are in fact 7 billion other people there.
• Cancer Earth and Water magics are very strong in your sign this week, indicating that this is a good time to do mud-related activities.
• Leo You've always believed that your soul is a lonely seeker of Truth, which does not explain why it's usually found in a crowded line waiting for Cinnabon.
• Virgo It's actually not true that doctors would simply allow you to die in order to harvest your organs. You'll be dead, all right.
• Libra Everyone will think you're just making a hilarious reference, undermining your efforts to warn everyone that the alien manifesto is, in fact, actually a cookbook.
• Scorpio An angel will appear to you in glory and foretell that you shall have happiness, peace, and the riches of the world, which would be better if he didn't keep getting your name wrong.
• Sagittarius The powers that be are in fact watching you at all hours and tracking your every move, but only because they're hoping you'll slip on the ice and drop your groceries again.
• Capricorn You'll soon have the opportunity to reflect on all the crucial moments of your youth when a chunk of flying rebar erases all your memories after age 9.
• Aquarius You'll receive a strange e-mail from the Nigerian government describing in painstaking detail the management of its petroleum-distribution infrastructure.
• Pisces After years of work, you will be asked to submit your paper "There Is Nothing Like A Good Plate Of Bacon And Eggs" to the philosophy department at the Sorbonne.

Spread the love

I have good manners. I just can't help it. Perhaps as Gaga would say I was born this way, or perhaps my parents molded me into this polite, little package. Either way, I am a considerate, sympathetic, thoughtful and gracious woman, online and off. Nothing annoys me more when I comment on someone's picture or status with something that I think is witty or worth addressing and days go by and there is no response. No 'i like this'. Nothing. Now I know I have talked about this before, but it bears repeating and never fails to irk or sometimes even upset me. Maybe I am just too nice. Maybe some of your comments are stupid. Maybe some of them are boring. Maybe. But clicking 'i like this' and offering a little encouragement seems like a step in the right direction to making those comments smarter, more humorous, more interesting in the future. Shutting someone down does nothing. Not everyone is shameless like me and keeps trying. So, be nice today. It's valentines day after all so show a little love to that stupid, boring friend and 'like this'.

Multi-tasking

I went out for brunch today with a couple of gal pals. It was like a queer Sex and The City if you will. I guess in this case I was Samantha, but I digress. We talked about my upcoming physical. I told them I am making a list of all the things that are wrong with me to talk to my doctor about. Now, some of you may be aware I am a bit of a hypochondriac and some of these ailments may be real or made up, but regardless, they need to be addressed and either put to rest or treated. So we naturally got on the topic of pap smears. I mentioned how I would rather have 10 paps then go to the dentist once. This talk of paps naturally progressed to the topic of pubic hair (as it would). One of my friends said 'wouldn't it be great if you could combine waxing with a pap?' like once the pap was done, the waxer entered and did her thing and then you would only have to be pant-less, and well, vulnerable, in one sitting? I thought this was a grand idea. I'll add it to the list.

And ONE beeotch!

My friend took me to a Raptor's game last night after my first day at the new job. The first day went well, thank you for asking! Ok, so, back to the game. Our seats were almost on the floor and even though it was my first game ever, I knew this was good! And it was quite the spectacle! I could hear my mother's voice saying 'this is SO provincial' to well, everything! From the snacks served, the Rogers inflatable things that people banged together to distract the other team during free-throws but also used to cheer their own team on; to the lecherous, old men drooling while photographing the 'Dance Pak' dancers and the chants of 'pizza! pizza!' when the raptors hit 100 points (this meant free pizza the next day at pizzapizza). The dancers were hot, by the way. They wore a lot of make-up, but hot nonetheless. The trainer or coach — not sure what her title is — of the dancers stood watching her dancers intently, hair all tight in a bun, botox pumped up lips, caked on make-up, stiff posture. I said to my friend how her quality of life must be low cause she has to spend so much time worrying about what she looks like instead of saying 'fuck it' and just live. We laughed and drank more beer. My friend told me this story of how she almost hooked up with one of the opposing team's players 10 years ago in some drunken bar scene. The story is basically she turned her back for a minute and one of her friends cut in and jumped him instead. So when this player made a bad move in the game, my friend didn't hesitate to shout out 'hey, you should have made out with me'. Then we laughed and drank more beer.

LOL, sort of

I used to never use 'LOL'. If someone texted me something funny or wrote a silly facebook post on my wall, I would comment with, well, a sentence about how they are funny. Then I started using 'ha ha' or 'hee hee' and eventually graduated to LOL. Now I hand out those LOL's with no discrimination, LOL this, LOL that, but I think that if the thing I am LOL'ing about was said to my face, it would get maybe a half smile, maybe a chuckle. A snicker perhaps. Is that LOL? Does LOL'ing mean hysterical laughing out loud or does a chuckle, a snicker, a snort mean LOL too? Should I use LMAO if it's REALLY funny? I mean, I don't want you all to think you are so hilarious, when really it's slightly humourous. Perhaps I should use SOF (sort of funny) so no one gets a big head. Oh, also, while we are at it when is the right time to say 'love it' or is it 'loves it'? And OMG? Really? Sometimes it's just 'oh, that is surprising'. Oh My God seems a wee dramatic and Facebook really doesn't need anymore drama, as if.

Laugh of the day: Country Hip Hop dancing!

About last night

Last night my first stop was this Parkdale bar that suddenly morphed into well, I'm not sure. Women dancing, thighs squeezed together in barely there dresses, bathroom attendant in a 2 stall bathroom who no, I did not tip for passing me a paper towel and offering me gum, that I didn't take. I went to the bank machine and got an extra 20 in my dispensed cash due to the machine being in a dark area with a high possibility of someone 'forgetting' a 20 or two. This extra 20 disappeared into one drink for me and my friend...easy come, easy go. My friend didn't even drink her dirty martini as it was heavy on the dirty, light on the vodka. We left as they began charging cover. Our next stop was a nearby bar, but with a very different clientele. We sidled up to the bar and a very chesty woman took our drink orders. My friend didn't notice this well-endowed bartender which I found hard to believe, but hey, some people are not as observant as others. I saw old friends, made some new ones, like the 2 gay boys I bonded with over a cigarette and love of Belinda Carlise and the 80's in general. I drank way too much, thanks to busty pouring freely. I grabbed a cab home and the driver told me how he lived in that area in 1987 and how much it has changed. It's still noisy though, he said, and with that I was home.

I accept this challenge!

I went to the library as I do every few days to see what's in the new books and what dvds are hanging about. OOH! Jonathan Franzen's Freedom! I've been wanting to read this for awhile. It's a pretty big book though — and there are no renewals on new books. I started to get stressed. Is it hot in here? My mouth went dry. Gulp. Can I read this book in 3 weeks? That might mean a little less blogging and a little less facebooking and what will I do when I start my full time job next week? breathe Jenny, just breathe. I picked up the book and felt its magnificent weight in my hands while I frantically sorted out my thoughts. I can do this. I can do this. I can read this book and return it on time. I WILL read this book and return it on time. Yikes, what am I doing talking to you when I gotta go read this thing! Ta!

I am losing it

This morning, I got up, had some juice, woke up my computer from its nap, then signed into all the appropriate sites and programs to see what was in store for me today. I then put on a pot of coffee and came back to an email I had started to reply to. As I was wrapping up the email, the coffee was ready (beep beep beep beep beep) so I hopped out of my chair and got a cup. I put the cup on my desk and changed out of my pajamas and put on 'day clothes'. You know, traded yoga pants for jeans, tank top for sweatshirt and slippers for socks. I then went into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee. I brought the coffee back to my desk and well, I now had 2 cups of steaming, hot coffee. One in a red mug, one in a blue mug. I chose the red mug.

Quote of the day

I watched Crimes and Misdemeanors last night. These are the final words of the film.

We are all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale. Most of these choices are of less importance. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are in fact the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of the creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all that plutonium.
• Taurus It will seem as if you've finally received divine evidence of your Christlike nature, but it turns out all women bleed like that.
• Gemini You've always been afraid of someone washing your mouth out with soap, but that was before you learned they made a special mouth-soap in the form of a minty paste.
• Cancer Remember: The patient raindrops can eventually wear away even the hardest stone. Don't let them get to close if you value your life.
• Leo There are two kinds of people in this world, and you're almost certain that one of the two kinds does not have a penis.
• Virgo The stars foresee great heartbreak, loss, and danger ahead for you, especially if you do not stop asking why they didn't tell you George Clooney was going to get malaria.
• Libra You will be physically overwhelmed by the simple eloquence and timeless beauty of a LeRoy Neiman painting, proving that there are dire consequences to having shitty taste.
• Scorpio While there's no shame in admitting you don't know everything, there's actually quite a lot of shame in admitting you can't figure out how to eat chips and salsa.
• Sagittarius Remember: It doesn't matter how well the bear dances, because it's impressive the bear can dance at all. Now go shave, lose some weight, and take dancing lessons.
• Capricorn People say there are no second chances in life, but even as they tighten the straps, you'll be listening for the governor's phone call.
• Aquarius Help out your friends and relatives with a sensitive issue this week. Clearly label all your worldly possessions with the name of the intended recipient by about 8:15 on Friday night.
• Pisces You will be suddenly struck by the realization that there is no meaning to the universe save that we make, and that all human love is merely sexuality in disguise, but then you'll be struck with the realization that some jalapeño poppers would be great about now.

Have you heard of this little thing called spell check?

I cannot believe the amount of spelling mistakes I see on Facebook events and groups. I've seen words with extra letters in them like ammazing or artistist, not done for emphasis, just done wrong. I've seen many 'its' that should be 'it's'. Many uses of 'to' when it should be 'too' and 'there' when for god's sake it's 'their'! Perhaps if one is not good at spelling and grammar, they can have a friend read it before they hit 'post'? Hey, I sometimes make mistakes on this blog, don't get me wrong, I try as hard as I can, but it happens. But this is my personal blog, not a bar, not a restaurant, I don't need to be professional. It's embarrassing! It's laughable! People are laughing at your establishment! They are making up drinking games and getting trashed by the time they reach the venue address. Please, if not just for the sake of our livers...hire an editor.