Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this week and, in a voice that shakes mountains and shivers oceans, announce price hikes on all divine services.
• Taurus Mars and Venus will both appear in your sign this week, as will Zach Galifianakis, who is apparently in everything these days.
• Gemini When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit that it's all been the cat's fault.
• Cancer While you've always had good luck at work using the buddy system, next week's attempt to move to the fuck-buddy system will be a complete disaster.
• Leo While you're starting to think your problem is that you're too "in your head," it's actually a rare species of cranial tapeworm.
• Virgo Your attempt to achieve fame no matter what the cost in blood will fail, although the stories of the What's-His-Name Killer will be told for generations.
• Libra The king's men part you can understand, but you've never really comprehended how all the king's horses were supposed to help.
• Scorpio You'll be trapped in a paralyzing dilemma that can only be solved if you learn something new, take the initiative, or have an original thought of your own.
• Sagittarius This is a good time to make aggressive moves in your romantic life, but not so aggressive that you actually cause yourself physical harm with the Fleshlight.
• Capricorn While you're often disgusted by the shallowness and ignorance you see all around you, you have to admit it's made it easy for you to get dates.
• Aquarius Although they say it's not over until the fat lady sings, increasingly unrealistic body-image standards mean it's now over when there is a vocalization by any female over 135 pounds.
• Pisces While it may be true that the emperor has no clothes, you have to admit that if you were the emperor, you'd walk around naked, too.