Laugh of the day

I just saw this commercial. It made me laugh. I don't why it's so funny, but it is.

The man outside

The other night I went outside to take out my garbage. I paused for a second when I saw this man across the street, waiting in the shadows. I continued to put out my garbage and on the way back in the house took another look.  The man was leaning against a garage door, hunched over, wearing a ski jacket and a hat, hardly moving. I ran back in and up the stairs, turned off all my lights and peered through the blinds. He was still there, motionless, lingering in the dark. GULP. I turned on the TV and flipped around to find something funny, something to distract me. I forgot about it for awhile. I realized, well what can he do anyway. I mean, I'm here, on the 2nd floor, he can't get in. GULP. Maybe he's one of those 'Silence of Lambs' guys. You know the one that made a suit out of women. GULP. I should have gone to the gym today, maybe I'm getting chubby and he's coveting me....figuring out my patterns, learning my routine.

I somehow managed to go to bed (it's called lots of wine) and the next day he was gone. A few days went by and I forgot about him until one evening when I headed out. I walked out the door and he was there! In the exact same spot! As I was staring a car drove by, the headlights illuminating where he was standing. There was no stalker-killer-psycho-man. It was a garage light that somehow looked like a head and a pipe whose shadows suggested a body.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Applying tactics found in classic American folktales to your problems seemed like a good idea, but it turns out collection agencies have gotten wise to the old Tar Baby trick.
• Taurus You'll try to set the world afire with the unbridled passion of your incandescent prose, but fail so badly you're hailed as the next John Updike.
• Gemini In the end, you won't wish you'd done anything differently; you'll just wish you hadn't had to do anything.
• Cancer You thought having a cat would be fun, but it's been 10 days and it hasn't even gotten itself anything to eat yet.
• Leo Love ends, sometimes bit by bit, sometimes suddenly, but it does end. That said, it's unusual for it to jump off a bridge like that.
• Virgo Mercury rising in your sign indicates that things are getting hotter, as the mercury has expanded, causing it to rise up the thermometer.
• Libra Don't let people tell you that you can't be anything you want in life. Surgical techniques and gene-grafting will soon allow anyone to assume giraffe form.
• Scorpio Somehow you always thought that when you got to a certain age the clothes would be a lot better.
• Sagittarius Life may be a series of small and inevitable defeats culminating in death, but look at it this way: You won't have to put up with as much of it as most people.
• Capricorn You thought there was nothing in life that the music of Al Green couldn't fix, but then you found out about reactor meltdowns, crop failure, and cardiac embolisms.
• Aquarius You will soon get a nicer job selling higher-quality sweatpants to a somewhat better class of people.
• Pisces This will be a week of surprise after surprise, which will become tiresome after a few hours, terrifying after a few days, and unspeakable after that.

Quote of the day

“You have to be willing to get happy about nothing.”
~ Andy Warhol

Laugh of the day

Kelly Brook's Cameltoe Shows from Kelly Brook

I'm writing it....in my mind

Hi everyone! It's time for another installment of Facebook Observations by Jenny Watson. Today I'm going to talk about the times when you WANT to write something, but you know you can't because what you want to say is, maybe, rude? Or making too much fun to the point where you might offend? Well, you might be surprised to hear that I censor myself too. There are many times when I want to comment on self-promoting statuses with a 'Never been so bored' or 'There is 3 seconds of my life I will never get back'. Or sometimes people are a wee TMI, if you know what I mean. Now you are probably saying 'what, you, Jenny Watson are saying someone is TMI?' And to that I would say this: I don't hold back 'tis true, but I do not share very personal bits of my life online, unless those bits are funny. So, sometimes on a TMI status or photo or what have you, you might want to write 'I could have gone to my grave without knowing this' or 'rolls eyes in disgust AND boredom' or something to that effect. So here's a little tip for you to get out what you want to say without hurting anyone. Type in the comment. Have a little chuckle to yourself. Don't hit share. You don't know how people will react. It's unknown. This way, the audience is YOU and YOU know YOU will find YOU hilarious and might even give YOU a standing ovation. You're a star! A Facebook Star!

Frame this!

Yesterday I decided to put up the frames that I found the other day. I had filled them with pictures of my mother when she was a child, and my grandparents when they were my age. I went to my tool box (well an old Zippo lighter container full of screws and a box with some random screw drivers and hammers. damn...i need nails. So, I bundled up and headed to the dollar store. I bought some picture hanging nails, you know the ones with that little hooky thingy and the nail that goes in it? Well the cashier knew what I meant, so HMPH! I got home and stood on my chair to hammer in the nail. The frames that I found had 2 places.....er....just see photos. Ok, so I sort of measured the distance between the two and hammered them in. I put one up and it was surprisingly straight! Hey! I was so excited! Yes, I can do this! I am not pathetic at 'housey-repairs-building-tough gal-work'. I got off the chair to get the next frame and CRASH, it fell down, denting the frame and taking a chunk of my wall with it. So, I put away the tools, put the frames against the wall and poured myself a large glass of wine.

Quote of the day

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. —Rose Franken

Don't forget to blog

When I'm out and about leading my busy, fabulous life I sometimes get struck with an idea. Something that I will blog about later, you know, when I have a moment in my crazy schedule. So I grab my phone and beep beep beep beep space beep beep space beep beep— write myself a little reminder note. I have notes in there such as: Drag Queens with feet, Taxi Driver window space, thighs for sale and stripper non fat latte. They all sound like fascinating posts, but I have no idea what they mean!

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries It's very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week's end you'll have graphically conclusive proof that bullfighting is not fake.
• Taurus This week's revelations will be especially traumatic for you unless you get it through your thick head that sex is natural and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with transvestism.
• Gemini You were just being clever, if a bit arch, when you said "Either this wallpaper goes or I do," but the wallpaper will use its powerful social connections to have you ostracized from polite society.
• Cancer You've always believed that everything happens for a reason, so there will probably be a perfectly reasonable explanation for what the less philosophical would call your senseless death next week.
• Leo It was probably a little cynical for you to have used such base physical tactics to get a husband, but on the other hand, he doesn't seem to mind.
• Virgo You've always thought your life would be better if you could go back in time and tell yourself a few things, so it'll be pretty depressing this week when you find out you've tried that already.
• Libra You've never claimed to be a genius, but you have a nagging suspicion that you should have known sheets could be changed.
• Scorpio Your drug experimentation enters an exciting new phase when you find one that makes the throbbing pain in your head subside almost completely.
• Sagittarius You will find precious little to live for now that the age of the extended synthesizer jam is well and truly over.
• Capricorn You can't understand why people keep telling you they're tired of your act. Why, the costume changes alone are nothing short of breathtaking.
• Aquarius Take heart—there is absolutely nothing wrong with love. However, be warned that love is not exactly what you're feeling for those poor terrified nurses.
• Pisces You will indeed live fairly fast, and you'll die relatively young, but no one will be able to say you left a beautiful corpse.

Lazy sundays

It's Sunday, after 2pm. I'm still drinking the pot of coffee I brewed almost 2 hours ago. I'm still in my pj bottoms and tank top. I'm still feeling the effects of a wee too much vodka and other toxins. There is still sleep in my eyes mixed with mascara. I'm listening to a play-list titled 'mellow'. It's bright outside, the sun is streaming through my blinds lighting me up. It looks chilly out, but it's so cozy in here. I'm thinking of what to do with the picture frames we found last night, discarded in front of some random Parkdale home. I'm hoping they don't carry bed bugs. I think I'll frame those pics of my mom and dad when they were my age, living in San Fransisco, drinking martinis, smoking cigarettes and having, although never confirmed by either parent, Key Parties.

Laugh of the day - Barbed Wire Dolls

and I am STILL the office gossip

It's 12:25pm.

I just ate some granola and fruit and yogurt. It was my lunch. Or maybe a second breakfast. The gap between the 2 was only a couple of hours. My blinds are open a slit. It looks chilly out. It's windy. The trees are making their whoosh sound. I have one browser tab open to Hypem.com, so I can listen to music. One on facebook, so I can see who is doing what and who is saying that. One on gmail, awaiting changes to a brochure I am working on. And this one, blogging about nothing.

You know those days when all you want to do is eat and watch porn? Well, I can do that! You know those days when it's chilly out so instead of going to the gym or a run you just clench your buttocks together while doing everything? From desk to couch, to standing in front of the sink doing dishes — I'm working on my fitness AND getting stuff done! You know those days when you call in sick but you are not sick, so you just hang out all cozy in your apartment, reading, drinking coffee, surfing the net (all while clenching your buttocks), well I can do that, everyday! Cause I'm self-employed baby and my boss is wonderful!

Quote of the day

“Mr. Shue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I thought they were too similar and got frustrated.” — Britney on Glee

I'm in the game!

I went walking to the gym and suddenly found myself in some sort of Super Mario like video game.
beep beep bop. 
Green compost bins suddenly toppling over in front of me — JUMP
beep beep bop. 
A gust of wind giving me some fast shoes.
beep beep bop. 
A gust going the other way, taking away those fast shoes
beep beep bop.
I think I did pretty well! Like high scorer!

Quote of the day

"If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips." — Woody Allen

You gotta laugh

I went for coffee with a pal of mine who informed me that she and her partner are discussing having an open relationship. She asked my opinion cause well, I'm an expert on relationships — (pause for laughter, coughing fits, etc) — Ok, you done? Now I will continue...So, I told her once I was in a relationship where we tried to open it up but it didn't really work out in the end. I realized upon trying that I just wanted to be single. oops...did I say that out loud? er..um..but just because that happened to me, doesn't mean that's what is going on with you. whew. saved it. So, we discussed it some more and we ended up at this book shop where she wanted to get a book on this subject, on polyamoury. We browsed through stacks, well I browsed the cute browsers, but we both didn't find what we were looking for. She went up to the counter to ask the woman to look it up. She did, and they didn't have it. The woman said they could order it. She said that it would take about 4 weeks, and smirked, is that too late? We all laughed. And I said 'yah, god knows what book you will need then', and we laughed some more.

Quote of the day

Life is a combination of magic and pasta — Federico Fellini

Enjoy your Monday Commute

One for Toronto, One for Vancouver/London friends. You guess which.
PS: I totally 'back-dated' the time on this post to 9am (yes, I can do that) to make a commute (in Toronto anyway) more plausible. I was still cuddled up in my new gray sheets dreaming of love and unicorns.

The fog of fog

The other night was super foggy. Ooh, it was so romantic and mysterious! I walked over the railroad tracks, stopped in the middle and looked down to where they disappeared in a haze. I got a chill, I was scared but also intrigued. What is down there? How far do these tracks go? I had forgotten the answer even though I had walked over these tracks several times on a clear day. Ok, so I'm sure you are wondering: did she go down that path? Well, no, I did not start walking down the tracks to see where the fog led. I'm not Tom Sawyer or a character in a horror movie called 'The Fog' that meets her demise much too early cause she's had a couple of drinks and several loose morals. Although I really did want to, cause well, I had just had some drinks and well, my morals have always been suspect, but at my age, I knew better and just went home.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

Aries After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you about $3,500.

Taurus You'll finally realize a dream you've had since childhood, dear Taurus, when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you alive.

Gemini The reason for your recent crises of conscience will become clear this week when you discover the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for about a year now.

Cancer Next week won't be the best you've ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.

Leo A good friend will be a pillar of strength and support during a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending this person a note that says, "Thanks for your support."

Virgo You'll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.

Libra You won't be absolutely certain you like the changes in yourself— especially considering you'll appeal to a whole new group of people—after they make a 12-inch dance remix of you.

Scorpio The stars say there's nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.

Sagittarius The FDA will realize its mistake too late to prevent your death when it accidentally names you as part of a complete breakfast.

Capricorn You'll realize that you hallucinated that everyone was wearing business casual all weekend, which explains why Halloween was so awkward this year.

Aquarius Romance will once again pass you by this week when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mix-tapes.

Pisces You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.

Laugh of the day

This one is even more hilarious. Tip: Don't drink anything while watching or don't have to pee.


!!!!!!! [BESTIE x BESTIE  1] !!!!!!! from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

I am drunk and I am drunk

Ok. I am drunk. As the title of this post says. Now normally, everyone would say, don't blog, don't facebook, don't email. Wait until morning. Do it then, if you really feel the need. And normally I would agree, but this post is about that, about not waiting. Now if you have something specific to say to someone specific, well this blog post is not about that. If you are in love with someone or hate someone, and you want to get that out, well this post is not about that. But if you are insecure about being drunk or drunk-ish in public, well this post is for you! Ok, so we have established that I am drunk. And we have established that blogger has spell check. So, let us continue. So, I went out, obviously, I drank a bit, obviously, maybe I laughed, maybe I played trivia games, maybe I told stories, maybe I made out a bit, maybe I wore a toque. So many maybes, so little time. I will say this: I did take the subway home, and I was insecure about it. I thought eek, i'm drunk. I probably seem drunk. People on the subway will probably think I'm drunk. This made me think that maybe I should take a cab, but then I thought, fuck it, who are these people that I might run into on the subway? I don't know them. And if I did know them, well they would probably think I was super cool cause I AM super cool and they would probably think I was super cute in my toque cause I do look super cute in my toque and they would probably be wondering where such a super cool, super cute person like me was tonight? Right? Yup, I'm pretty sure that's what they were all thinking...The point is: who cares? I doubt that anyone that rode with me on that subway car tonight remembers me...just as I don't remember them. So goodnight, sleep tight. xo

New home oberservations

I love my new home. I really do. It's quite far west of where I used to be and although I poo poo the whole West vs. East stuff, there are some things that are worth mentioning. Now keep in mind, I'm not comparing the entire East and West, just my old home and my new one. I'll leave it up to you to decide if these are good or bad things.

1. They were playing The Cure at the Pricechopper yesterday. And old Cure, like Disintegration Cure.

2. The Westend YMCA is full of hot women as opposed to the downtown one, heavily populated with gay male gym bunnies. I was going to quit the Y and join a gym that was closer, but after going a few times and seeing what is there, I'll make the trek.
3. I saw a Centipede this morning in my kitchen. I never saw one in the East.
4. When I go for a jog or walk, I often smile or say hello to people. In the East, well, I didn't really jog cause there was too much traffic and if I went walking and said hello to someone, I'm pretty sure they thought there was something wrong with me.
5. Things are cheaper here.
6. I can't find any spicy olives!
7. There are 2 bakeries two blocks away from me. One on each side.
8. My downstairs neighbours are these young, cute, lesbians that I have never seen before.
9. I live near a railroad. Now you probably think this is bad, but actually this is good, cause I find railroads romantic and mysterious.
10. It's so quiet here
11. I can walk around naked here when the blinds are up as opposed to the old place, other than the odd time when I was feeling 'adventurous'.
12. My old place had a massaging showerhead
13. Everything is new here. I knew this for sure when I turned on the oven before removing its instructions from inside first. Oh, this is when I knew the smoke detector worked too.
14. I used to live right across the street from the Beer Store.
15. When I wake up in the morning and look up, I see my beautiful high ceiling that seems to go on forever and it makes me feel like anything is possible.

Laugh of the day

These two remind me of me and my bestie. In fact we used to do this kind of thing all the time, but that was before the internet existed.



!!!!!!! [BxB] [EPISODE 3] !!!!!!! from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

I had a dream

So I had a dream last night that I was being pursued by this very short woman with blunt bangs who kept trying to stab me. She looked a little like the costume designer from 'The Incredibles' or Rhianna but really super short. She was relentless. She kept coming and coming at me. I woke up and thought she was in my house. I thought 'am I dreaming' 'is there a small woman in my kitchen waiting to stab me'? I eventually got to sleep and in the morning looked up what this dream might mean. Of course it said stuff like 'my character is being questioned, defending myself, feeling stressed, vulnerable and helpless, etc, etc' But what is really significant about this dream is that even in my sleep I find interesting things to blog about. 

Quote of the day - Truism style

Is this for real? Let's discuss

I am skeptical and I will tell you why. First he is working on a comic book (um hello...nerd alert), second, well there really isn't a second. Except for the second I thought, hey I should get into this...I could use the cash.

Daylight savings time saves time to do, er, stuff

I woke up this morning at 10am and soon realized it was 9am. I lay there for awhile staring at my high ceiling with it's majestic light fixture — sigh, it is something beautiful — and thought about going for a run. I started to psych myself up to go and it worked so I got up, had a glass of juice, put on my shorts and runners and went out the door. Oh wait, first I grind-ed coffee, set the timer on the coffee maker for 10am, and THEN I went for a run. I don't know what has got into me, I can't believe I went for a run before I had breakfast! I can't believe I got out of bed and put on my runners. I can't believe I am not hung over on a Sunday morning. I can't believe I said good morning to a flock of pigeons. I can't believe I listened to Dubstep before noon. I can't believe how great I feel right now after running, showering, making a great breakfast of eggs, toast and fruit and of course coffee. So now, the question is: what do I do now?

Quote of the day

Absolute submission can be a form of freedom — Jenny Holzer

I need a hand(y-woman)

I recently moved and although I am mostly settled in, I still have my floating shelves to put up. This time I said to myself, I will not do this alone cause I always fuck it up. I didn't have a stud finder and I began to grow impatient waiting for one of my handier friends to come over and help. So yesterday I gave it a go. I knocked on the wall. rap rap rap rap. I moved a little to the left -  rap rap rap and then a little more left - rap rap rap rap - yes, that sounds less hollow...ok, I found the stud! I start screwing in the screw (don't go there) and oh no, it slips right in super easy (again, get out of that gutter) and slips out just as easily (hey). I don't even need my screwdriver to get it in and out. (raise brows) So, I guess I didn't find the stud after all, so the great shelf mounting attempt (mhmmm) ended with a lot of empty holes (ACK) in the wall and me completely unsatisfied.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
• Taurus You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro this week over what is and is not in fact gangsta.
• Gemini Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you in next week's Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
• Cancer Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you'll tell about it will be able to attest.
• Leo Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it's merely decorative.
• Virgo The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
• Libra The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say "from you."
• Scorpio The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you're single because you're "too picky." You're 25 pounds overweight and, frankly, the body odor is getting out of hand.
• Sagittarius They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperaggressive Africanized bees.
• Capricorn Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you're using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.
• Aquarius You'll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and that will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.
• Pisces Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten upon waking.<

Quote of the day

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. — Maya Angelou

You've got a friend...or 3

I went out for Halloween dressed as 'United States of Tara'. Hopefully you have seen the show, if not, don't even bother reading the rest of this post, come back tomorrow. Ok, now that I have got rid of the riff raff, I will continue. I got dressed and left my apartment, flagged a taxi down — to the gay village! $18 dollars later (ouch!) I arrived. I walked in, said hello to a few people that I knew here and there, made my way to the bar and got myself a drink. The friends I am meeting are yet to arrive. I chat a little with my bartender friend and then wander around, checking out the scene, what people are wearing, who I know, who I can recognize! I flit from one group of people I know to the other, not wanting to overstay my welcome. Suddenly I realize, hey, I already have 3 friends with me, on me, in me. So I make my way back to the bar, perch myself, and share a drink with my 3 new buddies who, by the way, turn out to be lovely company.