Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Applying tactics found in classic American folktales to your problems seemed like a good idea, but it turns out collection agencies have gotten wise to the old Tar Baby trick.
• Taurus You'll try to set the world afire with the unbridled passion of your incandescent prose, but fail so badly you're hailed as the next John Updike.
• Gemini In the end, you won't wish you'd done anything differently; you'll just wish you hadn't had to do anything.
• Cancer You thought having a cat would be fun, but it's been 10 days and it hasn't even gotten itself anything to eat yet.
• Leo Love ends, sometimes bit by bit, sometimes suddenly, but it does end. That said, it's unusual for it to jump off a bridge like that.
• Virgo Mercury rising in your sign indicates that things are getting hotter, as the mercury has expanded, causing it to rise up the thermometer.
• Libra Don't let people tell you that you can't be anything you want in life. Surgical techniques and gene-grafting will soon allow anyone to assume giraffe form.
• Scorpio Somehow you always thought that when you got to a certain age the clothes would be a lot better.
• Sagittarius Life may be a series of small and inevitable defeats culminating in death, but look at it this way: You won't have to put up with as much of it as most people.
• Capricorn You thought there was nothing in life that the music of Al Green couldn't fix, but then you found out about reactor meltdowns, crop failure, and cardiac embolisms.
• Aquarius You will soon get a nicer job selling higher-quality sweatpants to a somewhat better class of people.
• Pisces This will be a week of surprise after surprise, which will become tiresome after a few hours, terrifying after a few days, and unspeakable after that.