Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries It's very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week's end you'll have graphically conclusive proof that bullfighting is not fake.
• Taurus This week's revelations will be especially traumatic for you unless you get it through your thick head that sex is natural and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with transvestism.
• Gemini You were just being clever, if a bit arch, when you said "Either this wallpaper goes or I do," but the wallpaper will use its powerful social connections to have you ostracized from polite society.
• Cancer You've always believed that everything happens for a reason, so there will probably be a perfectly reasonable explanation for what the less philosophical would call your senseless death next week.
• Leo It was probably a little cynical for you to have used such base physical tactics to get a husband, but on the other hand, he doesn't seem to mind.
• Virgo You've always thought your life would be better if you could go back in time and tell yourself a few things, so it'll be pretty depressing this week when you find out you've tried that already.
• Libra You've never claimed to be a genius, but you have a nagging suspicion that you should have known sheets could be changed.
• Scorpio Your drug experimentation enters an exciting new phase when you find one that makes the throbbing pain in your head subside almost completely.
• Sagittarius You will find precious little to live for now that the age of the extended synthesizer jam is well and truly over.
• Capricorn You can't understand why people keep telling you they're tired of your act. Why, the costume changes alone are nothing short of breathtaking.
• Aquarius Take heart—there is absolutely nothing wrong with love. However, be warned that love is not exactly what you're feeling for those poor terrified nurses.
• Pisces You will indeed live fairly fast, and you'll die relatively young, but no one will be able to say you left a beautiful corpse.