Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries An in-depth study will reveal that, contrary to popular belief, bedbugs are great and you are the problem.
• Taurus You'll once again get into a public shouting match at an upscale bistro this week over what is and is not in fact gangsta.
• Gemini Somehow it just seems unfair that several famous people will make hundreds of dollars after picking you in next week's Mundane Individual Dead Pool.
• Cancer Nothing of note will happen to you this week, as the dozens of people you'll tell about it will be able to attest.
• Leo Venus rising in your sign sounds like a welcome harbinger of romantic good tidings, but the zodiac assures you it's merely decorative.
• Virgo The largest meteorite ever to hit a person was about 45 pounds, making you a posthumous shoo-in for the record next Wednesday.
• Libra The universal redshift indicates that the stars are flying away from us at astounding velocities. Perhaps it is more accurate to say "from you."
• Scorpio The stars are tired of politely nodding when you say you're single because you're "too picky." You're 25 pounds overweight and, frankly, the body odor is getting out of hand.
• Sagittarius They say God never gives us more than we can handle, which must mean He knows a way you can handle a swarm of hyperaggressive Africanized bees.
• Capricorn Before making any important business decisions next week, ask yourself if you're using the same decision-making criteria that sent you to prison.
• Aquarius You'll undergo the kind of stress that would break a lesser woman and that will cause whatever kind of woman you are to shatter into a coarse powder.
• Pisces Your dreams will all come true next week, including the ones you have thus far mercifully forgotten upon waking.<