Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries While it's true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three.
  
• Taurus Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this is always the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  
• Gemini You'll continue to sweat the small stuff this Thursday, thanks to a set of abnormally large exocrine glands.
  
• Cancer Remember: Sometimes in life you just have to roll the dice, move your wheelbarrow to St. James Place, and pay the $70 dollars in total rent.
  
• Leo Possessed by satanic forces, your dog will soon order you to murder all those squirrels.
  
• Virgo There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
  
• Libra A cleansing fire will sweep across the land, purifying countless souls, purging all guilt and sin, and defrosting a number of delicious Hungry-Man dinners.
  
• Scorpio You'll feel like a kid again this week, thanks to an unexpected visit from your Uncle Joe.
  
• Sagittarius If you can't smile and laugh at work occasionally, then you're clearly doing something wrong, Mr. Surgical Oncologist.
  
• Capricorn You never thought you'd end up a billionaire, living in a palatial mansion, and jet-setting around the world. So it's no real disappointment, when you don't.
  
• Aquarius Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
  
• Pisces Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.