Aries
Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.
Taurus
Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.
Gemini
Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don't be alarmed: This is what is known as "food poisoning."
Cancer
Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.
Leo
They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.
Virgo
Nobody understand the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.
Libra
You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.
Scorpio
The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.
Sagittarius
It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
Capricorn
The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot—what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!
Aquarius
Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.
Pisces
You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.
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