Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
• Taurus  After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
• Gemini  Millions will be rescued this week when the Red Cross deploys thousands of desperately needed words to the site of an unspeakable tragedy.
• Cancer  You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
• Leo  More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
• Virgo  Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
• Libra  Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
• Scorpio  For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
• Sagittarius  If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
• Capricorn  You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone
• Aquarius  Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
• Pisces  Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.