All about me

I am drinking my coffee and reading my fb news feed like I do every morning. My eyes are still adjusting to the glare from the screen when suddenly I see my name in someone's status. This happens often, as I don't mind telling you, I am very popular.

Quote of the day

When we leave our comfort zones, we become far more difficult to isolate and marginalize.
— Naomi Klien

My Theme song

This song makes me feel better after a night of heavy substance abuse...
It also makes me feel like i've got another chance, always. I feel like, ok, so what, tomorrow's another day. It also is about a girl named Jenny, so really it was written for me.

Quote of the day

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
— Lucille Ball

Quote of the day

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.
— someone who probably didn't get laid much

Not a sad moment

I am home right now drinking alone. It is raining out and I don't feel like going to the bar and Im quite content being by myself. I thought maybe this is sad as I was nearing the end of the bottle of white I've had in the fridge for a few days but then I remembered I had a bottle of red and suddenly I was happy again!

Quote of the day

‘Sex without sin is like an egg without salt.’ - Luis Buñel

Laugh of the day

Finger Babies from Eric McCormack

Over 2 Million served

I cannot help but notice that over 2 million people like 'the bible'. It must have been on Oprah's book club.

Laugh of the day

Quote of the day

That which you resist stays 
— some monk

Gag on this

“Everybody's going goo-goo for Gag Gag! She's a sweet catholic schoolgirl who became a whore packing a little something more! Meet Lady Gag Gag, the deep-throat drag queen who'll …

Just add air and she’ll let you poke-her face. You won’t get caught in a Bad Romance this time! Ra ra oh la la!”

Nice, and real sophisticated!

Parents round-up

So my parents have gone back to lovely Sechelt, on the Sunshine Coast. We had a great time wandering the city, eating great meals and drinking lots of wine. I'm kind of sad they missed the earthquake cause they could have added that to their list of things they experienced in Toronto:

1. We went for dinner on the Danforth one night. When we were coming up the escalator out of the subway, behind us there was this photographer taking pictures of these two men kissing. We walked outside the subway and there was this white tent around this restaurant where the men were making their way. My mother asked 'did you just get married?' and the men answered 'we are getting married right now! we are so nervous'. We said congratulations and made our way for a lovely Greek dinner on a Danforth patio, happy from what we had just seen.

2. We sat in Kensington Market in that little sketchy park for a rest. After we left my mother informed my father and I that the man beside her was masturbating. I said 'i thought he was smoking' and she replied 'probably after'.

3. On the crowded streetcar home one afternoon there was this woman standing beside me that started to not look so good and crouch down on the floor. I asked her if she was ok and other people started getting involved. They were offering her water, coke, wondering what she needed. She had trouble communicating and suddenly she threw up everywhere and then passed out. The driver instructed us to leave the car.

So, Toronto provided many stories for them to tell at dinner parties and to repeat 5 times whenever I see them or mention Toronto. See you at Xmas!

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries While it's true that love has no boundaries, no limits, and no rules, your court-appointed restraining order has all three.
  
• Taurus Avoid making any important decisions this week. And, come to think of it, next week as well. In fact, assume this is always the case unless the stars tell you otherwise.
  
• Gemini You'll continue to sweat the small stuff this Thursday, thanks to a set of abnormally large exocrine glands.
  
• Cancer Remember: Sometimes in life you just have to roll the dice, move your wheelbarrow to St. James Place, and pay the $70 dollars in total rent.
  
• Leo Possessed by satanic forces, your dog will soon order you to murder all those squirrels.
  
• Virgo There's no worse fate than dying alone. Thankfully, you'll be surrounded by hundreds of airline passengers when it happens.
  
• Libra A cleansing fire will sweep across the land, purifying countless souls, purging all guilt and sin, and defrosting a number of delicious Hungry-Man dinners.
  
• Scorpio You'll feel like a kid again this week, thanks to an unexpected visit from your Uncle Joe.
  
• Sagittarius If you can't smile and laugh at work occasionally, then you're clearly doing something wrong, Mr. Surgical Oncologist.
  
• Capricorn You never thought you'd end up a billionaire, living in a palatial mansion, and jet-setting around the world. So it's no real disappointment, when you don't.
  
• Aquarius Your lucky compound modifiers for this week are: long-term, hard-fought and military-history.
  
• Pisces Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.

Shakepearian quote applicable today

My parents went to see the Tempest in Stratford. They quoted parts of it to me and this one stood out:

"Hell is empty
And all the devils are here"
- William Shakespeare, The Tempest, 1.2

I thought, this is how I describe lesbian bars on saturday nights.

Quote of the day

The practice of compassion is the most effective way to pursue the best interests of others as well as our own — Dalai Lama

Quote of the day

God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open. — Hazrat Inayat Khan

Laugh of the day

The Committee Ep 1: Bad Dog w/ Alison Brie & Rich Sommer from drew_pearce

My song

I'll let you in on a little secret. Sometimes when I leave my apartment and go walking I put this song on my ipod and pretend I'm John Travolta. Don't tell anyone.

I had a dream

Last night I dreamed that I just went to the airport and went somewhere. Just anywhere. I woke up quite anxious. I looked up this dream to see what it meant. 

To dream that you are traveling, represents the path toward your life goals. It also parallels your daily routine and how you are progressing along. Alternatively, traveling signifies a desire to escape from your daily burdens. You are looking for a change in scenery, where no one has any expectations of you.

Duh.

A warning

I have killed many of these bugs but I am leaving one on the window sill as a warning to the others. Don't you come around my hood or you will be sleeping with the fishes...or bugs... Capiché?

The USBTypewriter™

If you have $400 and a serious case of nostalgic yearning, may we then suggest you spend the money on a wonderful USB Typewriter? Described as a “groundbreaking innovation in the field of obsolescence,” the typewriter can hook up to any machine with a USB port and lets you clickety-clack your way through your latest novel, e-mail or even spreadsheet. Fun retro times!

Quote of the day

When our minds are clouded by hatred, selfishness, jealousy, and anger, we lose not only control but also our judgment. — Dalai Lama

Laugh of the day

KC exercise program

I just went for a run with my ipod shuffle. A Kelly Clarkson song came on (I have no idea how it got on there) and I found it to be quite motivating. I started going faster, it was driving me, pushing me, I felt empowered. Then it occurred to me that Kelly Clarkson should listen to Kelly Clarkson songs when she works out cause maybe then she wouldn't be so fat.

Facebook art installation

I am having an event. I'm going to tag everyone on the poster. When you sign into Facebook all you will see is my name and this poster all the way down your page. You will remember me, you will love me and you will surely come to this event.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

Aries
Like a Phoenix rising out of the ashes, so too will you frighten a number of small children playing inside that ball pit.

Taurus
Everyone laughed when you said that global warming would destroy the planet, but that's primarily because you had your pants down at the time.

Gemini
Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don't be alarmed: This is what is known as "food poisoning."

Cancer
Your creativity will skyrocket this week, moments after purchasing a number of colorful and hilariously incongruent wigs.

Leo
They say it's impossible to survive without daily human contact, but then the Glowing Orb Beings from Muugaave-6 have ways of keeping you alive.

Virgo
Nobody understand the excruciating pain you're going through. Although having to listen to you drone on and done about it is torture of a whole different kind.

Libra
You'll wake up tomorrow morning to find a baby on your doorstep, just like you have for the last three and a half weeks.

Scorpio
The ancient martial art of karate should only be employed for self-defense, or in your case, any time you drink too much and decide to ruin everyone else's night.

Sagittarius
It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.

Capricorn
The cheese stands alone. The cheese stands alone. You idiot—what are you doing!? Guard that damn cheese!

Aquarius
Paved roads aren't exactly a new innovation, but you still manage to get excited every time you see someone get run over.

Pisces
You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.

My kind of game

Summer pests

I keep seeing these strange beetle-like bugs around my house. I cannot deal. I've been trying to determine what they are by looking at various pictures on the internet and by doing so have become incredibly itchy. I cannot look anymore! Therefore, I cannot determine what they are. Therefore, I do not know what to do to get rid of them. Therefore I continue to squish them on sight. Therefore I continue to be itchy.

Quote of the day

The urgent is usually the enemy of the important — Scott Belsky

I might be pregnant from last night

I hung out in the Annex area last night. We went to Central. It began as a nice quiet catch up between two old friends, but suddenly the winds began to change. It started getting noisier, getting smokier — more obnoxious. The population of highly processed hair (on men) and the over-tanned, short skirted, vajazzled (the women) increased exponentially. I suddenly had an admirer in the form of this apish man who cuddled up next to me, smoking a joint and draping his legs over the chair next to mine. He would yell 'Oy' at the server when he wanted something (who fyi was cute as a button). My friend and I were not annoyed in the slightest (except by this rude treatment of staff). We found it all highly amusing, we couldn't believe what we were seeing. It was like we had taken some sort of potion and found ourselves on Richmond Street...in that other world...the straight one.

Eye Test or trendy bar

In a foreign language, you never know whether this is real text or just an eye test. Sometimes letter forms are just letter forms. Gotta love type!

Facebook chat

Today I was forced to go on facebook chat, the details why are unimportant. But gossiping HAD to be done by whatever means available and unfortunately, facebook chat was it. The epileptic seizures it has every few minutes are at first entertaining and do wake you up quicker, but then you start to wonder 'why am I clenching my jaw?' You don't get a message for awhile and then your friend tells you you are 'offline', when clearly you are not. You cannot tell when your friend is typing a message so you feel so alone in those gaps. 'Hello, is anyone out there' until you hear that little beep and whew, you can relax again... you have a friend.

Laugh of the day

The porn that never was

So, the work in my bathroom is all done. The men have left. This could have been the perfect porn set up. A lonely young woman home alone when this man rings her bell. At one point during the construction, the woman hears the man swear and goes over to make sure he is ok. Aw, a piece of drywall hit his shoulder, he is cut, let me put a bandage on that. Maybe you should wash it off first...insert porn music....bow chicka bow wow

Fantastic design

I myself am not a huge world cup fan, but I cannot ignore the user friendly, great design of this calendar:
World Cup Calendar 

The men have left

So my bathroom is all fixed. And there is this chemical smell hanging in the air. I asked one of the men about it and he said 'that's not me, I thought that was you'. Oh, right, it must be me. Me who is sitting here 'working' on her computer. There must be some toxic chemical I am emitting from all my msn chatting, blogging, facebooking and a teeny bit of freelance work (very teeny). Not you who has been repairing drywall all day, no, couldn't be you. My bad.

Is this my mother on the line?

Trust issues

There is a man in my bathroom right now. He is fixing the drywall on the ceiling that got destroyed by a leak from upstairs. Another man just rang the doorbell. He came in too. So now I have two strange men in my apartment. I could be killed! Or worse raped! But you know the thing that is worrying me most? The fact that they are walking in and out with their rain soaked shoes.

I have no words

2 Year Old Baby Smoking 2 Packs Of Cigarettes A day Gonna Probably Die From Cancer At 15. SMH.

What to do with your old obsolete iphone

Works great with period music from the 1920-1930's.

My blackberry

Lets face it, PDAs are too expensive and cumbersome, and organizers are bulky and hard to carry around. Nothing beats a folded up piece of paper. On this paper I have written down items that I need to purchase today, an idea that I might write about and a little doodle of a man in a suit that I did while on the phone this morning. This paper doesn't beep or vibrate but the little paper cuts I get every time I put my hand in pocket are quite effective in helping me to remember.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

Aries
The throbbing inside your skull will finally come to a stop this week, signaling the end of the Trematode's gestation period.

Taurus
The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.

Gemini
You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.

Cancer
The hounds of hell will be at your door this week, clawing furiously to be let out and use the bathroom.

Leo
Despite the offer of a brand new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you'll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.

Virgo
You'll die a little bit on the inside this week, and a whole heck of a lot on the outside.

Libra
It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.

Scorpio
Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.

Sagittarius
Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.

Capricorn
Nobody likes a know-it-all, but then, you probably knew that already, you smug jerk.

Aquarius
You should have more folding chairs around. If wrestlers come over and can't find one, they'll use something else.

Pisces
Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.

Music you must listen to!

Memory Tapes Remixes Crystal Castles

"If you disagree with the homosexual lifestyle, support overturning Prop 8, and make them get married, like the rest of us"

Emphasis

WHEN PEOPLE TYPE IN ALL CAPS FOR AN ENTIRE PARAGRAPH, NOTHING IS EMPHASIZED, SO IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME AS WRITING IT IN ALL LOWER CASE EXCEPT NOT AS INVITING TO READ.

When people type in all caps for an entire paragraph, nothing is emphasized, so it's basically the same as writing it in all lower case except not as inviting to read.

Laugh of the day

Something new

I'm really digging this band. Thank you S.L. They are also really adorable, but I would still like them with my eyes closed. They will be here as part of NXNE. This song is great for rainy Sunday afternoon —put on a pot of coffee—full belly—still in pajamas kinda day—like now.


And another one:

The squirrels know things

I don't mean to come off as crazy, but I really think that squirrels communicate with me. Now, before you go all closing this blog window and saying 'not another crazy lesbian', hear my tale (no pun intended). When I was employed, on my walk to work I went through a park. There were many squirrels in this park and I started to notice them more and more every day. They started coming closer to the foot path. They started making eye contact with me. They were not scared of what I might do. Now I don't know what they are trying to tell me, I think they basically pop up when I'm in a quandary to let me know that 'everything is going to be ok'. So when I have one of these interactions, I know I'm on the right path. Thanks squirrels!

More Golden Girls

Well, what can one say about this tattoo. On the one hand I think it's hideous, but on the other, I think it's so well done.

Stay golden and gay

Lesbian Lovers of Miami

My new pet

The hippo is considered by many experts, explorers and Africans to be the most dangerous animal in Africa (not counting the mosquito). They've all killed way more people than lions have.  The hippo is extremely aggressive, unpredictable and unafraid of humans, upsetting boats sometimes without provocation and chomping the occupants with its huge canine teeth and sharp incisors.

But, for now, enjoy this cute little thing to the left. Don't think about how it's going to get big and chomp on you until you die.

Optimistic pessimist

9 reasons why i love my apartment
1. Central air
2. I can hear the postman putting mail in my mailbox so I know when to check
3. So many windows, so much light!
4. My own laundry
5. Taking my garbage/green bin out to the curb. I'm an adult! I recycle! I compost!
6. Stainless steel fridge
7. Nice solid floors
8. Right across the street from the beer store!
9. Mirrored closets right beside my bed [yah you know why this is good]

9 reasons why i hate my apartment
1. I can't control my central air, the apartment next door does and sometimes I'm cold
2. I can hear my neighbours do everything — and it's usually boring. This place is not very soundproof
3. All the light from the windows makes everything seem so dusty!
4. Cleaning the dryer lint makes me gag
5. Taking the garbage out to the curb is strenuous
6. Making that stainless steel fridge shine is work
7. Every time I drop something on the floor it breaks. These floors are very unforgiving. I can't tell you how many wine glasses I have broke. Oh, actually I can, four.
8. Right across the street from the beer store!
9. Every morning I wake up the first thing I see is my puffy face

Help me Kenny Rogers

Something that really annoys me is when people don't do things right. Maybe it's the virgo in me, maybe it's my parent fault, or maybe I'm just a difficult bitch. Hard to say. When people use facebook when they should be on twitter is a problem. When you see a facebook post that has 'RT' in front of it, that's a retweet. Here is an example: RT @jennyiam: amazing show last night. Can't believe they did that for an encore.

Something else that plagues me is when I facebook someone and they text me back. Or vice versa. Now, I realize this is because we are all recieving these messages via mobile, but if you hit reply you are going to be using the same medium.  That just tells me you have waited to respond. Guess it makes you look cool. Guess what? It doesn't. 

So in closing all I have to say is: 

ohhhhhhhhhh you gotta know when to facebook, know when to tweet, know when to text, know when to phone.

 

Eclipse soundtrack is good!

I can't say I've seen any of the movies. But this soundtrack is great!
Metric is going to explode after the kids get a listen to the title track.
Go here to listen to all the tracks!   Eclipse Soundtrack

Seems that was a June 2nd offer only. You can check out the track listings, but no longer listen to them.

flip flops...

...in the rain are more like slip slops

Stuff I'm reading

As you all know faithful blogger readers, I am unemployed. So, I have a lot of time for things that you don't. Such as blogging for example. And for reading. So here are the books I'm reading right now.

Bottle Rocket Hearts
Local Author Zoe Whittal's Bottle Rocket Hearts is a great read! I definitely could see myself and my friends in many of the characters.
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction
Gabor Maté used to work at the Portland Hotel in the downtown Eastside in Vancouver. He writes about the nature of addiction. It's sounds boring, but is an interesting and great read. 
Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
Blink is about the first two seconds of looking. That glance that knows in an instant. Fascinating.

New Eco-Friendly Cigarettes Kill Destructive Human Beings Over Time

RICHMOND, VA—Executives at Philip Morris USA this week unveiled Marlboro Earth, a new eco-friendly cigarette that gradually eliminates the causes of global warming and environmental destruction at their source. "By killing off the No. 1 threat to the environment, new Marlboro Earths will have a long-term effect on the overall health of our planet," Philip Morris spokesperson Janet Weiss said. "If everyone in America does their part and joins our new green-smoking movement, then together we can eradicate man's destructive practices once and for all."

According to a press release from Philip Morris, the new environmentally friendly cigarettes work by employing powerful carcinogens that accumulate in the lungs of smokers, slowly breaking down their vital organs and eliminating the danger posed to the overpopulated planet by the human race.
Because Marlboro Earths take decades to work, the company stresses that people should start using them as early as possible, ideally during childhood or adolescence, in order to maximize the product's effectiveness.

"We've got to get everybody on board, the sooner the better," said Weiss, stressing that nothing less than the fate of the planet was at stake. "It doesn't take much. As few as two packs of Marlboro Earths a day can make all the difference in the world."

"Wildlife habitat encroachment, climate change, the exploitation of precious natural resources—they can all become a thing of the past," said James Freedman, a member of the marketing team tasked with branding the new product. "Smoke these cool, clean Marlboro Earths every chance you get, and you'll reduce your carbon footprint to zero in no time."

The new cigarettes, released in limited test-market cities over the past two months, will be ready for a national rollout in mid-June. An ad campaign with the slogan "Marlboro Earth: Saving the Environment One Customer at a Time" has already been launched, and the product's iconic new packaging, which is similar to the traditional Marlboro design but also features a tree, is reportedly testing "through the roof" with consumers.

In initial product trials, the eco-cigarettes have proven popular among smokers.
"I leave work three to five times a day to stand outside and help the environment," said longtime smoker Sam Davies, an office worker in Raleigh, NC. "And the best thing about them is they make saving the planet incredibly addictive. After only a few hours, I get the uncontrollable urge to go out and help the environment some more."

Philip Morris executives stressed that the new cigarettes, which contain the same great taste smokers have come to expect from Marlboro, but with nearly three times the tar and carbon monoxide, could make a huge difference in as little as 40 to 50 years, cutting down on urban sprawl, overpopulation, and eventually helping to enrich the soil with powerful fertilizers.

Fast Food is not gay

Sure come as you are but when you arrive stay closeted to your dad.

Down at the farm

I went to visit the piglets at Riverdale farm today. I can't believe how much they have grown! Human's grow so slowly but then again I guess we live much longer. Blonde moment! Anyway. They were having a farmer's Market there too and I bought a cookie. I couldn't justify buying a 3 dollar lettuce even though I knew where it had come from. I am still unemployed after all.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries You'll be thrilled all the way down to your toenails this week when electrodes are planted in the appropriate pleasure centers of your brain.
• Taurus  After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
• Gemini  Millions will be rescued this week when the Red Cross deploys thousands of desperately needed words to the site of an unspeakable tragedy.
• Cancer  You must admit that you're sleeping better than ever, but it's kind of unpleasant to wake up every morning with a blowgun dart in the back of your neck.
• Leo  More than anything, you want to mold and shape young minds. Unfortunately, most commercially available Jell-O molds are unsuitable for this purpose.
• Virgo  Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.
• Libra  Well, the stars tried, but somehow, you've been left more or less in control of your own destiny this week.
• Scorpio  For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
• Sagittarius  If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
• Capricorn  You will have a vision of peace, transcendent love, and infinite compassion, only to find it was all a dream. Also, your pillow is gone
• Aquarius  Don't take it personally: Someone had to be the cutoff point for who does and doesn't get on the Emergency Earth-Escape Rocket.
• Pisces  Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.