Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your plan to put on a spectacular song-and-dance show to raise desperately needed cash will somehow fail to save your foundering musical.
• Taurus You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.
• Gemini Although you feel as if you are all alone in a cold, brutal, and uncaring world, there are in fact 7 billion other people there.
• Cancer Earth and Water magics are very strong in your sign this week, indicating that this is a good time to do mud-related activities.
• Leo You've always believed that your soul is a lonely seeker of Truth, which does not explain why it's usually found in a crowded line waiting for Cinnabon.
• Virgo It's actually not true that doctors would simply allow you to die in order to harvest your organs. You'll be dead, all right.
• Libra Everyone will think you're just making a hilarious reference, undermining your efforts to warn everyone that the alien manifesto is, in fact, actually a cookbook.
• Scorpio An angel will appear to you in glory and foretell that you shall have happiness, peace, and the riches of the world, which would be better if he didn't keep getting your name wrong.
• Sagittarius The powers that be are in fact watching you at all hours and tracking your every move, but only because they're hoping you'll slip on the ice and drop your groceries again.
• Capricorn You'll soon have the opportunity to reflect on all the crucial moments of your youth when a chunk of flying rebar erases all your memories after age 9.
• Aquarius You'll receive a strange e-mail from the Nigerian government describing in painstaking detail the management of its petroleum-distribution infrastructure.
• Pisces After years of work, you will be asked to submit your paper "There Is Nothing Like A Good Plate Of Bacon And Eggs" to the philosophy department at the Sorbonne.