Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your plans for an exciting weekend will be spoiled when a busybody scientist decides he just has to ask you why you want all that plutonium.
• Taurus It will seem as if you've finally received divine evidence of your Christlike nature, but it turns out all women bleed like that.
• Gemini You've always been afraid of someone washing your mouth out with soap, but that was before you learned they made a special mouth-soap in the form of a minty paste.
• Cancer Remember: The patient raindrops can eventually wear away even the hardest stone. Don't let them get to close if you value your life.
• Leo There are two kinds of people in this world, and you're almost certain that one of the two kinds does not have a penis.
• Virgo The stars foresee great heartbreak, loss, and danger ahead for you, especially if you do not stop asking why they didn't tell you George Clooney was going to get malaria.
• Libra You will be physically overwhelmed by the simple eloquence and timeless beauty of a LeRoy Neiman painting, proving that there are dire consequences to having shitty taste.
• Scorpio While there's no shame in admitting you don't know everything, there's actually quite a lot of shame in admitting you can't figure out how to eat chips and salsa.
• Sagittarius Remember: It doesn't matter how well the bear dances, because it's impressive the bear can dance at all. Now go shave, lose some weight, and take dancing lessons.
• Capricorn People say there are no second chances in life, but even as they tighten the straps, you'll be listening for the governor's phone call.
• Aquarius Help out your friends and relatives with a sensitive issue this week. Clearly label all your worldly possessions with the name of the intended recipient by about 8:15 on Friday night.
• Pisces You will be suddenly struck by the realization that there is no meaning to the universe save that we make, and that all human love is merely sexuality in disguise, but then you'll be struck with the realization that some jalapeño poppers would be great about now.