Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your romantic life will hit a rough patch this week when your lover, having grown bored of the relationship, trades you to the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
• Taurus The Parandrus, an antlered, hairy, cloven-hoofed beast the size of an ox and notable for its ill temper and foul breath, was thought to be mythical until people got a load of you.
• Gemini Your sudden desire for stability will lead you to retrofit yourself with StabiliTrak, a rather dated skid- control system that brakes your feet individually to improve control.
• Cancer You'll be taken aback this week by the news that your life story has been changed from a lightweight romantic comedy to a lengthy and detailed police procedural.
• Leo The so-called Tenth Crusade will end almost as soon as it begins next week when armies of religious warriors have no trouble whatsoever conquering and subjugating you.
• Virgo Pluto rising in your sign indicates trouble in your work life, which is problematic because, well, for astronomical reasons, Pluto will be rising in your sign for the next 87 years.
• Libra You have evidently failed to learn the lessons of history, as you will attempt to find the Northwest Passage, unite Britain and Ireland, and get your family to stop exchanging Christmas gifts.
• Scorpio Only one major thing will happen to you this week. After that, however, it won't really be possible for anything ever to happen to you again.
• Sagittarius You'll begin to suspect that your spouse has taken other sexual partners shortly after he or she opens a conversation with you by saying, "I've been thinking about taking other sexual partners."
• Capricorn This week will teach you that there are certain things that really can't be faked, such as love, respect, and the human arm.
• Aquarius You'll be bitten by a vampire and become one of the Immortal Sanguinary Children of the Night just when the whole fad is about to blow over.
• Pisces Your future has yet to be determined due to a malevolent online community's massive denial-of- service attack on the relevant zodiacal elements.