Instant anxiety

I sent a current lover a racy pic of me yesterday. I didn't get a response for a few hours. Now, I'm a relatively confident woman, but during those few hours I thought many thoughts. Here they are, in no particular order.
1. Is it too racy?
2. Is it not racy enough?
3. Did the message even go through?
4. Is this affair over?
5. Did I send it to someone else?
6. Is my phone working?
7. Is my lover dead?
8. Am I dead?
9. Do I need to lose a few pounds?
10. Do I need to gain a few pounds?
11. Did I dream all of this?
12. Has the world ended?

Techno-anxiety? Those lapses of time, pauses before we hear back — It happens with texts, emails, on msn — Where anything is possible in those moments and anxiety reigns supreme. Now, in the 'instant age' an hour feels like a year. Imagine it's really only 150 years ago when you sat for a racy pic of yourself in some photography studio, waited for development and then waited for the Pony Express to deliver to your love. Come on Jenny, a little patience.

Quote of the day

I am here alone for the first time in weeks, to take up my "real" life again at last. That is what is strange —  that friends, even passionate love, are not my real life unless there is time alone in which to explore and to discover what is happening or has happened. — May Sarton

Thought of the day

Some mornings when the Starbucks guy says 'thanks a lot', I hear: 'thanks slut'.

Laugh of the day

Disturbing and hilarious.

Ooh tell me, tell me...oh wait, don't

I love to hear people's 'hook up' stories. You know the kind of story I mean. Your friend goes out and meets some hottie, takes them home and [insert description of night, of sex, of person, of feeling, etc]. I want to know everything! So the other night I was out with a friend of mine who is in a long term relationship. She started to tell me this story about her night with (wait for it) her girlfriend. Her long term partner. Her live in lover. Anyway, she continues and in her words 'the hottest sex I've ever had'. I was taken aback, woah, woah! Wait a minute here, you're in a relationship, you have sex, yah we get it, goes with the territory but let me tell you...no one cares. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: no one wants to hear about relationship sex. We don't care if it's the best time you've ever had or if you felt the earth move. Unless it involves mythical creatures, aliens, contains some great acrobatic feat or at least one another person, we don't want to know.

Thought of the day

You shouldn't burn your bridges. Especially if that bridge has a great rack.

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.
• Taurus Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.
• Gemini Just as the ancient Babylonians were wise to restrict the telling of the future to a mere dozen signs, you would be wise to start new projects at work this week.
• Cancer Vast and mighty cosmic forces stemming from the 12 majestic signs of the zodiac have conspired to foresee travel in your future. That's right, 12 majestic signs, not 13.
• Leo You know what's a stupid name for a zodiac sign? Ophiuchus. It certainly doesn't sound like a sign that would warn you not to make big financial decisions until the full moon.
• Virgo This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly held belief systems.
• Libra Wait, if an existing constellation has that great an effect on one's destiny, then why didn't anyone make a fuss about Eris, Sedna, and Quaoar, the planet-sized objects in the Kuiper belt?
• Scorpio Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.
• Sagittarius Just keep repeating: No matter what, you are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius. You are still a Sagittarius.
• Capricorn Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit is better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.
• Aquarius This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ophiuchus would never have given you.
• Pisces Learn to trust your heart. No one ever grew spiritually as a person by doing what the numbers and the science clearly indicate they should do.

Thought of the day

To have a finger in every pie, you need a bunch of tiny, closely spaced together pies.

A man enters, logic exits

Lately there has been some work done on my place. The most recent was a simple task of installing covers over the electrical panels. I say simple, but I really have no clue. But not the point of this post. So, a man came into my apartment to take some measurements. He was very friendly and took them efficiently and left. Before he left I noticed him make some glances around my apartment and linger on a few things that at the time I took no notice of. When he left I replayed his lingerings. He paused on the two airplane safety procedure cards lying on my coffee table. You know the cards in the back of the seat? Well I stole 2 of them. I thought they would look great framed. Hey, it's a good idea. Then I looked around to his next stop and saw a huge bottle of lotion by my bed. Eek! It's not what you think. I was moisturizing my feet and then went right to bed so I...urg...sigh...If he thinks I'm some sort of pervert terrorist, a pervert terrorist I will be.

Laugh of the day: Amy Sedaris

Uncomfortable and hilarious.

Being sick is SO provincial!

I have a flu. The glands under my jaw are of mammoth proportions. I slept for 20 hours yesterday. I have been wearing the same clothes for 2 days. My hair, well, rat's nest doesn't even come close to fully describing it. I have been eating only chicken noodle soup (voraciously I might add AND thinking 'this is SO delicious'), ice cream and tea. I never drink tea — only coffee, but this sickness wants what it wants. I curled up in a blanket and watched back to back episodes of Two and a Half Men, and laughed, many times! I got sucked in to The Kardashians, at first by the art deco of Miami, but it wasn't long before I made friends with Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. Yup, I even know how to spell em! This sickness is brutal! Later I watched the Bachelor and teared up listening to the rejected women talk about how they will never find love. Ack! Normally this is the part where we do shots! Oh the humanity!

Laugh of the day: Gay Storm

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Laughter is the best...everything

When I was in Maui last week with my family, we had a lot of conversations. Now, if you know me at all, you know that I'm pretty open with what I think and feel and have no problem communicating those thoughts and feelings. So imagine 4 other people exactly like that and you can imagine we have some pretty interesting debates. So one evening after dinner over lots of wine and discussion, it got sort of heated. I don't remember what it was about, or who was angry and trying to make their point, but during all of this my dad got up and went on the laptop. The arguing continued until my dad called out in his British lilt: 'Snooki has a new boyfriend'. We all stopped and laughed, forgot about what we were arguing about, had more wine and went on to talk about other things, like explaining who Snooki was.

Mrs. Whittenberry: A cautionary tale

On my recent family trip to Maui, one evening we got on the topic of me and what I am doing with my life. You see, I am almost 40, single, with no steady job and no investments. [insert nervous laughter] My family is worried that I date too young, don't want to settle down in relationships and life and hardly have any money behind me. So, in order to help me my father told me this story of one Mrs. Whittenberry. It seems when my father was young, there was this old woman named Mrs. Whittenberry that he knew. Mrs. Whittenberry had worked as a housekeeper her whole life for the same man. She thought that this man would leave her a hefty sum when he died, so she never put money away or worried about the future. When he finally did die, she got nothing. My father felt badly for her and often visited her in her tiny home that she shared with her cat until she died, alone and penniless. This has been: Mrs. Whittenberry: A cautionary tale.

Laugh of the day: Glee Glee and more Glee

This video is pointless and those Glee peeps have a little too much time on their hands, but it's funny anyway.
Creamsicles are delicious!

Nuthin' But A Glee Thang with Heather Morris, Matthew Morrison & Sofia Vergara from Heather Morris

Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Your romantic life will hit a rough patch this week when your lover, having grown bored of the relationship, trades you to the Saskatchewan Roughriders.
• Taurus The Parandrus, an antlered, hairy, cloven-hoofed beast the size of an ox and notable for its ill temper and foul breath, was thought to be mythical until people got a load of you.
• Gemini Your sudden desire for stability will lead you to retrofit yourself with StabiliTrak, a rather dated skid- control system that brakes your feet individually to improve control.
• Cancer You'll be taken aback this week by the news that your life story has been changed from a lightweight romantic comedy to a lengthy and detailed police procedural.
• Leo The so-called Tenth Crusade will end almost as soon as it begins next week when armies of religious warriors have no trouble whatsoever conquering and subjugating you.
• Virgo Pluto rising in your sign indicates trouble in your work life, which is problematic because, well, for astronomical reasons, Pluto will be rising in your sign for the next 87 years.
• Libra You have evidently failed to learn the lessons of history, as you will attempt to find the Northwest Passage, unite Britain and Ireland, and get your family to stop exchanging Christmas gifts.
• Scorpio Only one major thing will happen to you this week. After that, however, it won't really be possible for anything ever to happen to you again.
• Sagittarius You'll begin to suspect that your spouse has taken other sexual partners shortly after he or she opens a conversation with you by saying, "I've been thinking about taking other sexual partners."
• Capricorn This week will teach you that there are certain things that really can't be faked, such as love, respect, and the human arm.
• Aquarius You'll be bitten by a vampire and become one of the Immortal Sanguinary Children of the Night just when the whole fad is about to blow over.
• Pisces Your future has yet to be determined due to a malevolent online community's massive denial-of- service attack on the relevant zodiacal elements.

Iceberg straight ahead!

When we were nearing our decent to Maui, the sun was just beginning to set and the clouds took on lives of their own. Now, of course I was a little tipsy and quite tired from the combined 13 hour flights but I started seeing huge lizards, bunnies and castles in the sky. There is a point near sunset where the sky begins to look like the ocean, the clouds look like huge icebergs floating through the blue of the sky. And then it changes again and all these different figures, shapes and animals appear. When the plane did a sudden turn to descend I thought — Ack, watch out! Don't fly through that poodle with a machine gun strapped to it's back!

Flights and flight attendants

I'm home from Maui. I have only been here one day and already my skin has taken on a reptilian appearance from this Toronto cold. My tan sucked out every minute I sit here writing this post. The flight out was long but a certain redheaded flight attendant coming and going up my aisle during the Toronto to Calgary leg helped ease the pain. I drank a lot of liquids and therefore made many trips to the bathroom. On one such trip I caught the attendants making cookies for the richies in business class pods. The ginger told me 'oh, we make cookies in our spare time' [swoon!]. And on another trip, sliding by her and cart, making her blush when I put my hand lightly on her back 'oh, can I just squeeze by you'. [shameless!] Calgary to Maui unfortunately completely lacked in the hot flight attendant category, only a beefy dude who thought it was funny to tell us to turn off our blackberrys and cranberrys and raspberries. The flight home had geriatric attendants which seemed apt as we were on the ghetto plane, you know the one...I looked out the window and expected to see The Muppets hanging off the wing. The EnRoute magazine was still December's issue. This plane had no screens in the back of the seats, instead just one huge pixelated screen playing Home Alone [a couple of weeks too late] and then some lawyer film with Gene Hackman from the 90's that, as far as I could tell, had no Christmas content, but did have huge cell phones and women with a lot of hair as I guess was the fashion back then, but I digress. I am home.