Horoscopes courtesy of The Onion

• Aries Love has been compared to many, many things, but thanks to your unique outsider's perspective, you'll be the first to spot its uncanny resemblance to the international bauxite market.
• Taurus Although it's true that violence never solves anything, it turns out it's just fine for a quick temporary fix in many situations.
• Gemini They say that it's not how well the bear dances that's impressive, but that the bear can dance at all, which is kind of insulting considering the number of hours you spent teaching it.
• Cancer You'll come to in a new Orleans brothel between a dead politician's daughter and a duffel bag full of cash, but unfortunately it's all easily explained and is cleared up within minutes.
• Leo Okay, the stars realize that last week's prediction of increasingly lower temperatures may not have been that impressive, but this week's incubus invasion should make up for it.
• Virgo The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you're going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.
• Libra You'll singlehandedly embody the dreams of an entire nation when you get a very large food item for free after eating said item in less than an hour.
• Scorpio You'll soon provide proof that a small, dedicated group of people can change the world by accidentally driving a rented moving truck into a petroleum storage facility.
• Sagittarius Your week will be so varied, interesting, and surprising that eventually the coroner will just give up, shrug, and write "heart failure" in the spot marked "Cause of Death."
• Capricorn This will be a good week to renew the bonds of friendship, especially the ones on the nurse you keep chained to the basement water heater.
• Aquarius While it's true that only God can judge you, it also won't take Him more than a couple seconds.
• Pisces Your biggest mistake wasn't assuming there was some kind of secret to life. It was assuming that it was the kind of secret that would make your life better.